tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42091297856470638792024-02-21T10:46:31.208-05:00Worth MentioningSome things are worth noticing, but aren't worth writing down. They just aren't that important or useful. This is about the other things.Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.comBlogger279125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-68345204321558907702020-05-10T09:14:00.000-04:002020-05-12T09:42:17.271-04:00You're a good mom<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You've been on the internet again, reading.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">The last time, you read something called
“Confessions of Bad Parents.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Like one of the bad parents, you once forgot
to go to an event at your child’s school.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You froze with panic and guilt when you
realized it.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">But it was worse when the good moms offered
their sympathy: “It was fine, we just had her sit with us.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">This time, you’re reading about “Secrets of Successful Parents.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">What they know.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">What they do and don’t do.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">What everyone should do if they want
confident, responsible kids.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">What no one should do if they want confident,
responsible kids.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You are on board with half of each list.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’ve cried in front of your kids and told
them why.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’ve yelled at your child when you were
really upset with yourself.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">They’ve heard you gossip on the phone.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">They’ve seen you make the mistakes you will tell them to avoid. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’ve defended your child to a coach when it
would have been better to stand back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’ve hijacked their problem, comparing it to
one you had at their age.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You know kids need to have the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">But they like knowing you got in trouble too.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You explain your parenting
decisions, but you are really defending them.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You hear yourself criticize other moms for
being “too” – too accommodating, too selfish, too controlling.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You know about
that, because you have "toos," too.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You take pride in your mom-intensity. You call
yourself a mama bear.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">But your child doesn’t need a bear to face the
everyday world.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">She only needs what you already give.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Although, you, once in a while, could use a
bear.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You put pictures on Facebook of your smiling
children.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You spend too much money on them.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You hide their flaws from others.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You hide your flaws from them. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;">You learn that you’re modeling perfection.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;">You know it can be fatal.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;">You stop.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;">Forever.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You sulk when they eat out with friends at the
last minute.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You complain when they aren’t polite.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You get upset when you have to clean up after
them.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You feel unappreciated when they know you’re
sick or sad and <i>still </i>ask you for a ride somewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You explain this in clear terms.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom, better than you think.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You don’t breathe or count to ten, you go
ahead and lose it over a teen’s attitude and raise your voice. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">You tell him that a big mistake was his fault
and </span><i style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">not someone else’s </i><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">and what's his plan to fix it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You hate it when you’re right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You ask questions, a lot of them, trite stuff – is it supposed to rain tonight? – to hear yourself talking to your teen
again.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Your teen wants to talk when you’re ready to
go to sleep and you say, “Sure, what’s up? Come on in.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You shouldn’t solve their problems, you don’t
have to, they don’t want you to.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You talk to them, even when they need space
and you need quiet time.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You shouldn’t check their school and work
schedules but you do because that’s what all of your friends do.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom, you’ll get it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Later, when you’re by yourself, you smile at something
funny she said once.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Later, you fold a t-shirt and some shorts and suddenly
remember the way waistbands on toddler shorts always slipped below those full
baby bellies.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Later, you
remember the births.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You stand, mesmerized by the memories before your
eyes.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">The cry, remember? It was more like a squawk.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Those navy-blue eyes, roaming, searching for
yours.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">There are so many good moms looking at each
other, wondering…</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">…who loses their patience?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">…who feels like running away sometimes?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">…who thinks their child is selfish,
ungrateful, or unkind sometimes?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">…who hides in the pantry, just to think?
Anyone else?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Good moms do. All the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Much later, you go for a long walk with your
college child and she says “my friends tell me 'your mom is awesome'." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You say, “They haven't met me.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">She says, “I know, but I tell them about you.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You fall in love with that compliment forever.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">You don’t need the report card that you will always find in the eyes of others.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Look for the questions in eyes of your child.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Show them the answers in yours.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">And then, let it be you who
says to the young moms out there, looking for who they are in everyone else’s
eyes, not yet able to see it in their own:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom, oh yes you are.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You’re a good mom.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-71868320909813193562020-04-18T08:24:00.005-04:002020-04-18T15:45:44.728-04:00The moment <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7hQL-XSyL7d8Pq9_jbq5LTAWs1wDmxczmpFgzmpoUtfOFQeOs1iZ6fy8bg6IcZ_pRzbtFiMvYgy6y32431cfrffR69QqJnNNSjN2_GjrlB4g2DFA86DsO42zDYPgcEyf4s_0gU4X6_64/s1600/Spring+blog+graphic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7hQL-XSyL7d8Pq9_jbq5LTAWs1wDmxczmpFgzmpoUtfOFQeOs1iZ6fy8bg6IcZ_pRzbtFiMvYgy6y32431cfrffR69QqJnNNSjN2_GjrlB4g2DFA86DsO42zDYPgcEyf4s_0gU4X6_64/s320/Spring+blog+graphic.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I could look at these for many<br />many moments.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #0b5394;">I'm reading a lot lately about this place we're all trying to get into like a covered bus stop in the rain which is: </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">The moment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><i>Stay in the moment.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><i>Be in the moment. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">There’s not much to
say about the moment, it’s where we always are. But until now, it wasn't a place where we lingered, for the pull of next week, next month, and so on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Now that we're faced with so much "right now," we are getting a lot of advice on getting there, or more accurately, staying there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In the moment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">The moment is not
a big place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">It’s where you
meet up with your senses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">What you smell,
hear, taste, feel, and see. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">There’s not really
a lot else going on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Except for
feelings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Surprise, irritation,
anxiety, wonder, inspiration, relief, joy, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">And reactions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Gasps and tears
and laughter and sighs – of wonder, of grief, of amazement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In the moment of <i>now</i> is
where a song, a smell, a sound can drop you into a sweet moment of <i>then</i>. I </span><span style="color: #0b5394;">heard a black-capped chickadee last week and I was ten again, riding my pink stingray all over the world of my neighborhood. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In a moment is where a look may cross a child’s face
that wasn’t there before and make you realize how much there is to know about
her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In a moment, you might look
around at your surroundings and think, I could make this all look better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Or, you may look
around at this place where you chose to live and think of all the other moments
that happened here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Maybe you brought a baby through that door for the first time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Maybe you walked
your last college freshman through that door to a car that waited to go to the airport. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Maybe you had a
moment here when you decided what you were meant to do <i>next.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Maybe you
understood in another moment that all you need is in your life <i>right now.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In a moment you may smell what you’ve made for dinner and think about what you’ll discuss
tonight with your person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In the moment is
when an idea may run up to you and say, “Pick me! Let’s do this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">You may become so overwhelmed with your luck and love in a moment that you don't want to move and startle the feeling away. </span><span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">A moment may hand you the gift of clarity on who you are, or would like to be, and damn it, will be, because
when you are a deflated pool toy, some moments bring pumps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In a moment that
you didn’t ask for may be when you know the dog won’t make it, and pray the
vet will come to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">In a moment that
you were afraid to hope for may be when you hear the words, “It was negative. You’re
fine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">It is in a moment
that you see the first flakes of a first snowfall and might feel like a
five-year-old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">I had a very large
moment when I made the decision to stop writing and go back to work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">I had an
extra-large moment when I went back to writing and got an email from a Washington
Post editor that said, “I love it.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">It’s wonderful
advice to be in the moment, and we know that we should try to stay there, but
you know, life, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Plans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Arrows of worry. I
have to return that sweater today. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forgot
to schedule that call. I’ll need to reschedule that dinner. I didn’t book the
ferry. What if it rains? What if I can’t go back to work? What if I get sick?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">What if. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">What if.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">What if.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">I’ve never been
good at following instructions to be in the moment, or telling a moment what it
should bring me because <i>the moment</i> is already here with its gift of
information. You don’t have to execute a process to reach the moment or
organize a moment’s contents. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">You just have to
stop walking away from it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">We have no plans
right now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">We have nothing but
the moment right now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">While we have no
choice, and while it’s free from the pull of plans for future moments, I wish all of us attunement without struggle. </span><span style="color: #0b5394;">I wish all of us the fullest of feelings and reactions to the moments. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">They're not always very big, and they work so hard. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-68876728725776073472020-03-30T09:42:00.000-04:002020-04-12T07:02:09.864-04:00When this is over<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEwdiIXDNSqhFpAiVMd51d-8LF5eTUNFgAD2Pc6pa36Dr56igSECm2A5pLmyyivmL1Xa-To1NP_zwnzVOQ5nF26-yvLHD7mTLnscVtSm8ANEgjq6cTBaDxYZk0fCvzJXksHIUIYXCLEME/s1600/Spring+blog+graphic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: #073763;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEwdiIXDNSqhFpAiVMd51d-8LF5eTUNFgAD2Pc6pa36Dr56igSECm2A5pLmyyivmL1Xa-To1NP_zwnzVOQ5nF26-yvLHD7mTLnscVtSm8ANEgjq6cTBaDxYZk0fCvzJXksHIUIYXCLEME/s320/Spring+blog+graphic.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here is a nice thing that is<br /> coming no matter what.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #073763;">In <i>Bird by Bird, </i>Anne Lamott's book on writing, she discusses a kind of </span></span><span style="color: #073763;">story-sprawl, when the possibilities for an idea can go in all directions, and overwhelm the writer. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Says Lamott: </span><span style="color: #073763;">“E. L. Doctorow once said that “writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">However long this period of "distancing" lasts, and even knowing that some things will change forever, you will look
back on this. What you remember will depend on how far into the dark you tried
to see and what you did about what you couldn't. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We are dealing with frightening things, yes. Contagion.
The stock market. Unemployment. Upended events. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Our daughter will give birth in less than three
months. I've worried that I might not be able to be there until well after the baby comes. She worried that she might not be able to have her
husband with her in the delivery room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We don’t know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">But maybe I will be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Maybe he will be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Two weeks ago, at the beginning of this <i>how
long will we be here </i>period, I couldn’t see this day from there. I only hoped I had enough pantry staples and stuff to read. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Two weeks ago, in the headlights, I saw extended opportunities to start and finish projects. I became more
mindful of the people I don’t talk to enough, and asked
them to tell me about their experiences, and I shared mine. Without
interruptions or appointments or dates, I didn’t hurry to finish a piece, and I
didn’t leave tasks unfinished. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">There was now time for everything, some things I might not otherwise do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I’ve had long walks with people I love and have been
reminded of how I need them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">My husband and I have become excellent at offering comfort and reassurance to the one of us who needs it most, and it isn't always me. Well, yes it is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Our conversations with our kids often stretch past
an hour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We’ve been silly and awkward on video calls with
people, but have learned to actually like them a LOT. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We’re talking candidly with all of our friends and
family about the deepest anxieties we share, and ways we are dealing with uncertainty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The connection that many of us have made so mindfully while apart, has made me understand that proximity is a luxury. I</span><span style="color: #073763;">f you are sharing conversation, worry, humor, fears, you are sharing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">That said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Eventually, all of us look into that dark and think,
<i>Wait, we’re still here? <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i><span style="color: #073763;">HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO BE HERE?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We crave answers, we’re frightened when they don’t
come, and for some of us, not knowing how long we’ll be here is akin to
thinking we’ll be here forever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We won’t be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The virus will be contained.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The death toll will slow and stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The market will come back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Offices and businesses and schools will open.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The rest of our lives will resume and we’ll be
free to roam again.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We will have lighter hearts when that happens, and
I look forward to that. But the truth is, what you do while you wait, is what
you’ll remember. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">They will be memories of some connections we
created or came back to. Parents will know their children better, friends will
be more grateful for each other, partners in love will thank their stars for the
luck in finding each other, neighbors will have practiced selfless acts
of food drop-offs and well-checks that made them better people. Complaints over
minor irritants will be a thing we used to do, now that we know what really
matters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">It won’t be just the hard and awful stuff we
remember. It will be the way we reached for each other if there was any way to
do it, and learned to live with not-like-before-but-enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I will remember my video calls with my daughter,
in her glorious third trimester, and how, even if I could not hold her hand as
I desperately wish I could right now, I will still have been able to look at
her eyes and smile and hear her voice and say, “You just look so beautiful right
now.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I will remember talking through the anxieties and sharing
the weird humor with my loved ones that comes from standing (six feet apart) in shared headlights, group-summoning
faith that right things will be right again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Right now, make the choice to practice acts,
words, deeds, communication and gratitude that may have required exactly the
fertile soil of these difficult circumstances to take root and bloom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Never forget that for all the pain and worry and
anxiety of unknowns, this time in life will end, and you will get to keep the
gifts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">With love and gratitude,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Susan</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-48148889944027153792020-02-21T07:41:00.001-05:002020-02-21T08:14:40.019-05:00When a parent listens: for my mother and my children<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09b3FFgmTM5zSYnxrEXX44M-4jkEhIoIYi5llXFBdAmqe4w_UqH-TE5cvZQXVtGbQPStthQ7QdjTqE-Ry6TmLrtXrn8slxmUzYpQG1Tq9yfa5gzv84HXSXSAONVLX_7H_4HMmckU2Zq8/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh09b3FFgmTM5zSYnxrEXX44M-4jkEhIoIYi5llXFBdAmqe4w_UqH-TE5cvZQXVtGbQPStthQ7QdjTqE-Ry6TmLrtXrn8slxmUzYpQG1Tq9yfa5gzv84HXSXSAONVLX_7H_4HMmckU2Zq8/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here would be a nice place<br />to listen to someone you love.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">There comes a time as you’re growing up, when you realize
that your life would be easier if your parent would not always shine a big flashlight
on the parts that aren’t quite right and start asking questions.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Because, when you’re growing up you just can’t know yet that
everything is in progress. You are sure that what is true about you <i>right
now </i>will be true forever, and some of those things, you’d like to keep to
yourself, thank you very much. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">And, you don’t need your parent asking you how you’re
handling this, what you are doing about that, what’s going on with whatever that
thing is that’s going on. Because, you don't even know yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">No, you would like your parent to notice the highs, not the
lows, please. Ask about the achievements, not the missteps. Not worry about
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See you the way you wish to be
seen, as a smart, independent person who doesn’t need a parent hovering. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">And so, that’s the story of you that you offer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">And that is what your parent does.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Your parent celebrates the story you offer.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">A day comes later, when you realize your parent probably knew
there was more to that story you told, but knew it was more important to let you
sit with it for a while, maybe look back at a few pages, maybe do your own
guessing about what would happen next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #073763;">Later still, you begin to realize that what you say, what you look like, what you’re wearing on the outside makes people form opinions about you. And while only the outside cover of your story is available to them, you will eventually want to share some of the inside pages too.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Because, you have learned that trusting another with your inside stories, and hearing theirs, is also known as love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">There comes a time when you’ve grown up, and you realize the
weight of your worth. You know your gifts, your capacity to love and be loved.
You’ve accepted your flaws, and know your empathy. You understand compassion
and pride. You realize that where your mind goes, your heart is already there waiting to ask your mind a few questions, just to make sure they're on the same page, looking out for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">You like your story a lot now, even if you’re still writing
it. You are still sharing it with your parent, because now, there are parts
they won’t know any other way. You have learned that they will listen now, to learn
about you again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Later, when you have your own small child, they will begin to tell
you their own first lines, and soon, it won’t be a page they give you, but a
small stack of pages. You will know what they’re leaving out, and you will let
them do that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Being listened to has taught you that you are lovable as
much for what you don’t show, as what you tell. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Being listened </span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">to</span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"> has taught you that for all you would give to those you love so much, if you have been
listening, you have offered it already. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-13801333334569246382020-02-14T14:26:00.001-05:002020-02-15T13:15:31.467-05:00When couples differ politically, it might feel like a test because it is.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho9UgZhOPomghYDdHY-qptxG5ompMEvpvdyh2ZX-7JxLDU4MYMok8sGN08U0lpdSE_vvlCOGS3h6cjDjbvq-c2JvuCIPdEhqrF6Pca36ZK_Ds17FgBp0ttHhevkssK_TY7JpT0YHR8N1s/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho9UgZhOPomghYDdHY-qptxG5ompMEvpvdyh2ZX-7JxLDU4MYMok8sGN08U0lpdSE_vvlCOGS3h6cjDjbvq-c2JvuCIPdEhqrF6Pca36ZK_Ds17FgBp0ttHhevkssK_TY7JpT0YHR8N1s/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here would be a nice place<br />to gently discuss politics</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763;">My husband was scheduled to have surgery recently. It was a procedure that
would require general anesthesia and so, the night before, without a hint of
drama, he asked me to sit with him so he could show me how he’d organized our
vital documents.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Now, he
said, they were sorted and placed in a good sturdy binder with tabs and cover
sheets that described them.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">When I
came in, he had the binder on his lap, and he laid a hand on it.
"Everything you need is right here," he said, while I thought about
the words, </span><i style="color: #073763;">everything </i><span style="color: #073763;">and </span><i style="color: #073763;">need </i><span style="color: #073763;">and the binder
that will never exist to guide me toward them. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">My
husband leans right and I lean left. Sometimes, we lean so hard we fall
over. But, fingers crossed, neither of us has been so “far” in either direction
that we've lost sight of each other.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">But in
moments of intense disagreement, when I can’t square a conservative view with
what I know of his heart, I have wondered how people like us remain close while
feeling apart on something </span><i style="color: #073763;">as important as politics</i><span style="color: #073763;">.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Later,
away from such moments, when I am wondering what I need at the store, or
whether to submit this or that piece, or want to share something my husband
will find funny or poignant or surprising, I remember those moments and shake
my head to understand: politics does not just create arguments, it
creates arguments that dwarf </span><i style="color: #073763;">everything else that is important.</i><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Political differences are more illuminating than our similarities. They reflect
who we’ve become on the spectrum of personal change as we age and experience.
They challenge the couple culture that formed around earlier versions of
ourselves. If we’re some of us, political differences drive us to shore up the
core and remain connected in the ways we always were. If we’re others of us–
even people who have weathered far worse storms – they are grounds to separate
from each other.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Our
most resilient bonds lie there, at that core where it isn’t about politics but
our family and friends and feeling for someone who is struggling, and whether
our children are okay, and what we want for dinner, and how to communicate so
that we think about the way we’re heard more than what we want to say.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">At the
core is the worry and joy we share when things happen to one of us, in the
world of both of us. Like surgery. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Do I
have to remember that when we disagree? I do. We’ve worked hard to respect our
differences without seeing </span><i style="color: #073763;">each other </i><span style="color: #073763;">differently.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Our
president’s divide-and-conquer mentality, and the vulgar way he demonizes those
not willing to support him unconditionally, have taught his more combative
followers to see those with whom they disagree the way our president sees his
critics. The exchanges that are caught on video are heartbreaking.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">In
these times, in many of those minds, you are or you ain’t.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">You’re
right or you’re left. You’re Trump or you’re Warren. You’re a liberal who cares
for the less fortunate or you’re a conservative who tells homeless people to
get a job.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">My
husband and I are mindfully closer to the middle. He still makes me breakfast
on Sunday and I still make beef stew when we're snowed in. We watch stuff on TV
together, and I encourage him to think about a second dog because it would be
good for him. He asks me about my writing and my ideas. When one of us isn’t
well, or happy or sure about things, the other one steps up to reassure,
comfort, make jokes.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">We have
had to learn new ways of having simple conversations if disagreement is likely.
He has had to stop interrupting, and I have had to stop making bad
faces. Both of us are learning to say to each other and to others from
whom we differ, “Tell me why you see it that way,” and not, “Let me tell you
why you’re wrong.” </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Before
Trump, we were and still are, parts of the past, the present and the future
that we imagined for ourselves. The future, as it always has, will borrow from
that core that brought us together and make us stay put.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">My
husband’s surgery is in the past now, and he is fine, I still have everything
that I need</span><i style="color: #073763;"> </i><span style="color: #073763;">and I know two new things. Where the documents are, and
that what exists between people who love each other is not about what stays the
same, but what lasts.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-77906562822644523372020-01-30T10:06:00.001-05:002020-02-15T12:11:23.537-05:00Until<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrcjTB9-GoBq-ZTacMVqhnlA4kPg9Dy3D6OHNsRgnZB8JMzwS5Lz7eq7D15YzR7jHkup9VEFN4XAD4dn4wwct5tbYh62mC4r3XJA3PSL1EqdGuY3dtMEQmii-E2GEaOY4468DkmzhqZfU/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrcjTB9-GoBq-ZTacMVqhnlA4kPg9Dy3D6OHNsRgnZB8JMzwS5Lz7eq7D15YzR7jHkup9VEFN4XAD4dn4wwct5tbYh62mC4r3XJA3PSL1EqdGuY3dtMEQmii-E2GEaOY4468DkmzhqZfU/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here would be a nice place to visit right now.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">A while
back, having not lied about my skills but fluffed them up a bit, I was hired
into a position that was too big for me. I mean, I was thrilled and told
everyone about it, but a few weeks in, despite good performance, I
still felt like a worried forest animal all the time. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I was
not suffering from feelings of incompetence, I was suffering from thinking I
should know more, </span><i style="color: #073763;">right now.</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">A few
special words turned things around.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I might
have seen them once in the <i style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">Ask Beth</i> column
that I read in my teens, or they may have been scrawled on a bathroom stall in
college, but they circled back years later to tell me :</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“Act as if you already feel the way you want to, <b>until
you do</b>.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">With
practice, I could imitate a feeling of confidence, until it came naturally. I
lost the feeling that at any moment, I would be discovered and eventually, my
eyebrows came back down.. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">The
terms “imposter syndrome,” and, “fraud complex," refer to the fear
of not being truly matched with, or passionate about, or skilled enough to live
up to a hard-won goal, despite measures of success. They get tossed around a
lot, particularly by young people in their first significant jobs. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It had
been exactly that suspicion I grappled with back before it became a
syndrome. I felt I’d been nailed selling myself long when actually I had
not yet tested the reach of my experience and had to, as they say, "fake
it ‘til you make it.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I like
my adage better, but here’s the word that makes both of them worth putting on a
post-it and sticking it where you’ll see it every day: <i>until</i>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Not
only because of its truth – that all things – flying, public transportation,
presentations – become less daunting with exposure, but also because all
wrapped up in the word “until” is the reminder that the present, with all its
power, comes to our lives just once, to inform what will come next.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Because,
as I have told myself, my friends, my children, and sometimes their friends,
and occasionally strangers and fretful dogs,</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Everything, up or down, is just right now.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">All
moments that come after right now, suggested by the word <i>until, </i>will
be influenced by those that came before. Whether they’ve made you richer or
poorer, or educated about how to live better, no moment will find you less
knowledgeable than you are right now, only more. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">And
imagine that, what you can do with those moments of smarter.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">You may
love feeling free and independent and mobile <i>until </i>you learn
that your maturity and self-awareness have left you with gifts to bring to a
relationship, maybe a marriage, maybe even at some point, small people who will
spend years literally, and then figuratively looking up to you. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">You may
be frustrated with the cost of living and bored with the job that once
terrified you <i>until </i>you realize you have also earned the
courage to go after the thing you’d rather look back on in a couple of
decades. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">You may
be new and awkward in a strange place <i>until </i>you master your
surroundings and wish to build a new memory of conquering change because, look!
Now you know how.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">You may
be tired of understanding and learning and changing your mind about
yourself, <i>until</i> you realize that at the same time, you were
also understanding and learning and changing your mind about others too.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">The
word “until” is weighty. It suggests that you can stay or go, but are always on
the way to something else that will draw on your cumulative smarts, and
hopefully enrich your spirit and sense of humor about life.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Whether
you long to leave, or dread when you will have to, “until” is a word equally
full of promise and relief that gently asks you to trust the future, while you
get ready to create it.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-45744320834285942752020-01-23T08:24:00.001-05:002020-02-15T12:16:53.189-05:00How to put a little more "Guess what I did?" in your life<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiEdFJsQ78Xz9_3qsxioRCbs2jXmSRRoub-5Szl_uhUGLA5OHgcOQNMOTyFyGqGufOg_nBptGJm3CCF0mku1lp-gAtPDn2c4HAWmHNIa-sB-LXXLQhmjn5iooscNI0le3p_Dx1L1Li2k0/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiEdFJsQ78Xz9_3qsxioRCbs2jXmSRRoub-5Szl_uhUGLA5OHgcOQNMOTyFyGqGufOg_nBptGJm3CCF0mku1lp-gAtPDn2c4HAWmHNIa-sB-LXXLQhmjn5iooscNI0le3p_Dx1L1Li2k0/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">This looks like a place where you<br />could do some good reflecting, <br />not the tedious kind.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I love
and don’t love my reflective nature. On one hand, it serves my writing,
particularly fiction. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
It's also helpful to be this way when too many issues have been left hanging,
or when I suspect that a thing I’ve been blaming someone else for is actually a
thing of my making.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Reflective
time has shown me that it can feel good to be wrong. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">And,
when that happens, a reflective nature can help you person-up, unless you’d
rather remain difficult and wonder why others can’t just be more like you.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Other
times, a reflective nature is a needy, slow-talking neighbor who stops you when
you’re on your way out the door, ten minutes late, with no gas, and a headache.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">In this
blog, I’ve talked about many things that come down to giving yourself a break
– <i>not </i>reinventing yourself which, okay – but just
giving yourself a little breathing room.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">For
most of us, the years ahead have the potential to be satisfying and
illuminating, but many of us, and truly – because I read and read and read
about <i>how we are </i>– many of us are stopped by mistakes of the
past or doubts about the future that line up at the steps of that future like
little bouncers and say, “Yeah, but wait. What about this?” </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">This is
how "wish I had" happens. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It
isn’t terrible to have a file in your head called “Wish I had,” in fact, try
and reach forty without having such a file in progress. “Wish I had” feelings
happen to everyone, but they are not meant to just lie there and be useless.
They are not meant to punish you for blowing your only shot because there is no
such thing as "only shot."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Rather,
“wish I had” feelings are meant to pry your eyes open to the things you have
become ready for, or are trying to become ready for with just a little more <i style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">age, growth and
experience </i>that is not like anyone else's.<i style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"> </i> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
People can be maddeningly reluctant to pursue their <i>known </i>dreams.
They can fill your head with so many ideas of why that is, you’ll start to
agree. These are people who need reflective time; not the tedious
neighbor kind, but the good, centering kind, . </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
A while back, I knew an unhappy someone who was so averse to coloring outside
the lines of her life, she could only trivialize the activity of reflecting and
redirecting by calling it"navel-gazing."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
But all of us, even that unhappy someone, are reflecting all the time - when we
cook, when we drive, when we run or walk, and when we sit on planes if we are
not next to people who take off their shoes and socks and eat chips. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Reflective
time was born to solve "wish I had" problems before they take over
whereas navel-gazing is passive and hurts your neck. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
It's <i style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">active, </i>and like
drinking water or moving our bodies or avoiding people who psychologically
injure others, it supports good mental health. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
A well executed, reflective pocket of time - with a solid question at the
center - can quiet the mind enough to hear the soul speak and unless the
soul has been bound and gagged and put in the attic where it can't urge you off
the path of "have to," the soul knows what it's talking about. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
So here is a fun activity that worked for me and might work for you and that
unhappy someone if she ever looks me up.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
Imagine saying to a person who loves you, “Guess what I did?”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Imagine
the person saying, “What? What?”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">And
imagine telling them a thing you did, which at this moment, seems like nothing
you’d ever attempt, but in <i>this</i> fantasy-exercise, is something
you planned for, then went ahead and did. Try it on.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">"I
decided to open a restaurant."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“I
decided to run for office."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“I
decided to change careers."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“I
decided to sell my art.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“I
decided to see a therapist about…”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I had
this imaginary conversation before I went back to school, and it made me feel
too good to abandon the idea. Abandoned ideas that feel good never really go
away.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">If
you’re lucky.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">So,
practice this.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“Guess
what I did?”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“What?
What?”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">But
make the loved person you’re talking to your very own self.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">And
make some plans without pressure, but with the counsel of your soul. You
may be surprised. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Caution:
You may not act right away. You may only have created a nice fantasy to visit
now and then. But that's how many, many good things happen, and not for
nothing, how a whole lot of fiction gets written.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-42359339826959762992020-01-16T08:15:00.000-05:002020-02-15T12:28:17.117-05:00Word-of-the-year is a popular concept, and yes, it works.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhDUykmnsW4oqiy1xmwZYeHea-OQUSno5hsL-ZPvuEOMr1ByKKT23wow4DyvgnZqD3xlSaPwFNXezSK-RCT3FJ9ZDWgi9JztMIDZ4CABZyVy8UXayuFbbMFDaavfm79c9FTiSA-va-Yfc/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhDUykmnsW4oqiy1xmwZYeHea-OQUSno5hsL-ZPvuEOMr1ByKKT23wow4DyvgnZqD3xlSaPwFNXezSK-RCT3FJ9ZDWgi9JztMIDZ4CABZyVy8UXayuFbbMFDaavfm79c9FTiSA-va-Yfc/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here is a place I often move to in my head.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I would love to be a person who wakes, flips
the covers back, and says: </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Hi, new day! I’ve been looking forward
to seeing you since yesterday! And, look! The sun’s not even up and my novel is
waiting, my essay is nearly done, and I’m doing arms and legs in my work out
today! I love arms and legs days!”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead, I start writing before dawn, but
often interrupt myself to check news, and Facebook, and texts, and email
before coming back to the (now relatively) less compelling page. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">If I’m <i>really </i>lazy, I’ll
think about what I should be doing instead, until it’s too late to <i>do</i> the
instead.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I fight this more often than I like to admit.
Most of the time I win, but the point is, I struggle to muster the discipline
so often, I wonder if my goals are realistic if I have to work that hard.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">They are, and I know they are because I am
never happier than when I’ve written something I like, <i>and </i>completed
a respectable work-out <i>and </i>moved through my day so that at a
decent hour, I’m preparing a great meal and reading while I wait for things in
the oven. That’s it. That’s my daily satisfaction-map.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">My sister-in-law, Christine Cook, is a
personal health coach who runs a successful health and fitness website
called <a href="http://www.positive-energy.co/"><span style="color: blue;">Positive
Energy</span></a> as well as an<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/401986367163530/?ref=share"><span style="color: blue;"> online self-improvement program</span></a> on
Facebook called Positive Energy Insiders. The members consist mostly of women
over forty who are pausing at this midlife juncture to <i>think hard </i>about
the things that make them happy, or could. With prompts from Christine, members
are learning to execute routes to happier living.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">And why must we rely on prompts if we know
what makes us happy?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Because it's easier to remain behind the start
line where it’s warm and comfortable, than it is to do the work of moving
forward and then <i>staying</i> in motion. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">In a stressed out world it can be easy to
confuse a low-conflict life with being happy. But real happiness can involve
work. It may not be work to be grateful, or pleasant, or compassionate and
creative or nice. But to the extent that happiness is about getting back what
you put in, it can be work to be happy. For many of us, the idea of
putting into each day what might feel just outside the reach of our will, can
lead to putting semi-stimulating but less energy-producing things first.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4209129785647063879" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4209129785647063879" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Like news, or videos, or articles or who
ate what, went on vacation, had a baby, got married or is celebrating a
friend-versary on Facebook. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">But.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">If you’ve discovered the spirit and self-awareness
to a) know you need something more, and b) have visualized what that
is, and c) have identified your own obstacles, there is a pretty
good chance that in direct proportion to the effort you make, you’ll experience
more happiness than you're used to. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Inspired by </span><a href="https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-i-choose-word-year-melinda-gates/?linkId=64882352" style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;">Melinda Gates</span></a><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">, one of Christine’s prompts
recently was to create a word that speaks to our general desire to accomplish
or produce or realize goals and tasks that </span><i style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">we know </i><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">will relax
our minds, energize our bodies, and open our hearts to humor, love and
gratitude. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I resist how-to’s in general if I think I can
do things through sheer will. But this prompt – a word that encapsulates
drive, passion, and <i>who you wish to be, </i>well, sign me
up. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">My word is <i>Move, </i>and it’s
working.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Forget should-haves, or when will I’s, or why
can’t I’s. All of those are things we tell ourselves about unmet goals, and if
we’ve developed a plan to live more happily around a warm-up routine of regret
and self-pummeling, it’s like trying to run in deep water.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">So, if you are lucky enough to be <i>able, </i>body
and mind-wise, to even work toward “happy,” let that word of yours pull on your
sleeve, and make it your partner. Because, the right word may be all the
power you need to push you over that start line, where it will feel too good to
go backwards. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me? The sun isn't even up, I wrote this whole
post, and now I am in motion.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-51985940560339874312020-01-10T06:48:00.001-05:002020-02-15T12:30:45.067-05:00The man in line behind me<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4209129785647063879" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAiXSl7tBlCDpPalRGvgKFKj-_0MtJhavKr-libweeArxhFkXr5_40F78PZk-BVpy-NSFtSFJWYcc1ZLUlWQldOPh8cNj2D2rD05HvY47e1DS6_jHvaDRIr5-c7Ki5exiABEeKOasglmc/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763;"></span></a><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAiXSl7tBlCDpPalRGvgKFKj-_0MtJhavKr-libweeArxhFkXr5_40F78PZk-BVpy-NSFtSFJWYcc1ZLUlWQldOPh8cNj2D2rD05HvY47e1DS6_jHvaDRIr5-c7Ki5exiABEeKOasglmc/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAiXSl7tBlCDpPalRGvgKFKj-_0MtJhavKr-libweeArxhFkXr5_40F78PZk-BVpy-NSFtSFJWYcc1ZLUlWQldOPh8cNj2D2rD05HvY47e1DS6_jHvaDRIr5-c7Ki5exiABEeKOasglmc/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">This would be a good place to<br /> sit down and get a grip</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Recently,
after I was finished with appointments for the day I stopped at the grocery
store for dinner ingredients and low-hold hair spray that wouldn’t make my
hairstyle look like a helmet or smell like air freshener. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">My mood
was neutral but vulnerable given the weather which was sleety, and the crowd
inside the store which was thick and slow moving, like tired cows.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
I got my things and headed for a register. This store has probably a dozen of
them, but this day only three were open in addition to the express lane which
has laws about how many items you can send through. Even if fatigued, rushed
people at that hour of the day customize the limit to mean 14 <i>large </i>items,
and therefore send their more than fourteen <i>small </i>items
through, I obey the law and I had sixteen items.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">So I
rolled to another register, making sure it was next to a closed one because,
you know how this goes; eventually a nervous manager will survey the look of
three open registers serving a crowd that is worthy of seven or eight, and
order someone to get a key and open up another one. Shoppers know to be in
position to get the eye contact from that incoming cashier to “come over.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I got
into position behind two full carts next to a closed register. A man got in
line behind me. “What’s going on?” he asked me, “Are they opening up over
there?”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Did I
look at him with a flat, how-would-I-know expression like people have given me?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">No.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">My busy
day was almost over, I had been successful in finding not only a pork roast
that looked manageable, but a nice low-hold hair product, and I was feeling
cheerful. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">So, I turned
and said, “You know it’s anyone’s guess, isn’t it? I mean, look over there,”
and I nodded toward the next register. “We see the signs, they’re lining up a
bagger, right? And there’s someone with a tray so I would say we’re in good
shape to be first in line.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I
smiled then, and he responded with a blank face as if there was nothing funny
about registers that might or might not open.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Sure
enough, the cashier opened up, looked over at the woman in line before me
and gave her the “come on over” face. “Oh!” she exclaimed, and over she rolled.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">The man
behind me got upset.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“Hey,
whoa. Hold on,” he said to me, “why did they pick <i>her?”</i></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I
shrugged, and said "Maybe they saw her and not me."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br />
“But I mean, you were <i>right there!” </i>He pointed at <i>right
there</i> and said<i>, </i>"That's ridiculous."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">He was
a big guy, on the heavy side. He was not badly dressed in khakis and a brown
polo shirt topped by an okay jacket, also brown. Probably he worked in a place
where you don’t have to wear a suit, but can’t wear jeans either, maybe a tire
or paint store. He had sandy hair with bangs that fell over his forehead, a
large face, glasses, a fair complexion, a too-large gut, a nice watch and jumpy
eyes that probably never failed to observe something aggravating.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">“You
should have told them you were waiting!” he said, arms folded.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I
turned then and said, “You know what? I just don’t feel like worrying about
something like that right now.” I looked at his eyes when I said it, and for a
second, <i>a second, </i>I wanted to share with this grouch a
philosophy that I keep taped on my outlook:</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<i><span style="color: #073763;">Aggravation
is optional most of the time. </span></i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">We all
encounter unpleased, cranky people and we all feel that way ourselves from time
to time. It’s my nature to allow for a person’s bad day, or maybe-bad news, or
perhaps a tangle of irritations they couldn’t resolve that day.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">But
there are other people who are so easily irritated, so often, and so bent on
expressing it they’ve begun to see the world as full of irritating people who
leave them no choice. Meanwhile the rest of us know that irritable people leave
us with no choice but to shut them out.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">There
are people who would take that man’s behavior personally, maybe a spouse, or an
employee, maybe his children. I have had stretches where I would have
felt as inept as he wanted me to, back when I thought too many things were
probably my fault.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">The
holidays are over, the credit card hangover has arrived. We’re heading into the
crappiest weather of the year, and we have a president who models one form of
hate or another toward others every day. There are a lot of people like that
man in line behind us. It isn’t only good mental health to steer clear of
them, it leaves us with our grace and civility intact, and a new choice to put
it where it will do some good.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It will
be the perfect story to tell my little group of ten-year-olds who are
observing, and learning not to personalize, the actions of others:</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<i><span style="color: #073763;">Aggravation
is optional most of the time.</span></i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
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Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-10372444872653349992019-12-31T10:04:00.000-05:002019-12-31T13:34:31.390-05:00Here's to more gentle living and a better view of everything in 2020<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CNHxTVQlR6fPado6wmiFfWxTMMSdEZzNdm_DTU83A9Fk20Ki83nOQ-8IbkR3PNQbtaAVV_l-AVcAvZ7PK-HOLnP3472ojLMDbUtuzf8C2oVyEuNIzga2XZm-jdJRvyq077HUftoR2lU/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CNHxTVQlR6fPado6wmiFfWxTMMSdEZzNdm_DTU83A9Fk20Ki83nOQ-8IbkR3PNQbtaAVV_l-AVcAvZ7PK-HOLnP3472ojLMDbUtuzf8C2oVyEuNIzga2XZm-jdJRvyq077HUftoR2lU/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">This looks like a nice place to practice<br /> some gentle living, doesn't it?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Wouldn't it be such a waste of all we learn, all the time, from each day, from each other, from our mistakes, from our brilliant ideas if all we did was lament not knowing it sooner?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Yes, is the answer to that. It would be. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;">"Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight," is what a recent meme said about that.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;">With that, I've put together some favorite takeaways from the past year that I will refer to often while I travel as gently as possible through the next. I hope you like and can use them as well.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b>My favorite rules for a gentler life, brought to you by experience. </b></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"> <br />Share things about other people that you hope will get back to them. <br /><br />When something is beautiful and unexpected enough to make you choke up, that is your soul saying, <i>Hi, I thought you'd like this.</i><br /><br />You were not ready to use that thing you know now, but wish you knew a decade ago. Back then, you knew other things you could have used when you were ten. Respect, don't regret this gift of age. It doesn’t work any other way. <br /><br />Don’t assume that caring about you is motive enough for a person to change their behavior. It may be a behavior they’ve been trying to get rid of for a long time for their own sake and can’t. Have your line in the sand, but if you must ask, make it “will you?” and not, “why can’t you?” <br /><br />Where there have been issues in the past, there will be triggers in the future. Fix that shit before it jumps out of the alley and steals your hard-earned, well-deserved peace of mind. <br /><br />Most of the time, there’s nothing wrong. You’re just tired. Go to bed. <br /><br />It’s sometimes those people who are least likely to be one of your people, who teach you very important things about yourself. <br /><br />You can get through anything as long as there is one person with whom you can fall apart and feel better for it, not worse. <br /><br />Your most important job is to know who you are and what you want. Your heart is where those answers are. Even if you decide to defy it and do something else, your heart is not wrong. <br /><br />It is perfectly okay to be with someone who is in distress and not have a single thing to say as long as you are holding their hand. <br /><br />Use and love your skill set. But now and then, also say hello to your flaw set and give it some attention. It’s there to make sure you always have something to work on, and improve your opinion of imperfection.<br /><br />And finally: <br /><br />Compliment a stranger every now and then – their clothes, their dog, their baby. You will turn whole days around for some people doing that and probably like yourself a little more, too. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;">That's it, that's the stuff that made me love my life and days more than I did the year before. It is the stuff that makes me look forward to all of the days, of every year. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;">With love, and best wishes for more gentle living and a better view of everything in 2020,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #073763;">Susan</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-82441798157644796932019-12-20T09:28:00.000-05:002020-01-04T12:06:13.019-05:00It's December 20th. Pencils down.<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigiKOR4EfdvusfWtxoyhQBTKEumshew63iAQ_9IKR9H0hR3hrWbJlFyFHRJ8eJsTWN4RhD45qf-jyu55PdytPya3EOUazIJlgXqZMABOr8Q4ioGZrTWnRGMELFrs6QYTC6dx1Pt_TeOBU/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigiKOR4EfdvusfWtxoyhQBTKEumshew63iAQ_9IKR9H0hR3hrWbJlFyFHRJ8eJsTWN4RhD45qf-jyu55PdytPya3EOUazIJlgXqZMABOr8Q4ioGZrTWnRGMELFrs6QYTC6dx1Pt_TeOBU/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">A little arrow of joy sailed into my heart this morning to realize it is the twentieth of December. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Because. </span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">When you are in the twenty-somethingth of December, you are not close, but </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">really close </i><span style="font-size: 11pt;">to Christmas. And, in my blue exam book of what holidays should really mean, this means pencils down. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">This means it's time to do stuff that matters. If you're a list and task freak, all stressed out over what you haven't done yet, it's time to realize that if the only holiday plates and napkins left at The Paper Store have toys and snowmen on them, that's fine.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"></span><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">Ever since I was a wee me, there has been something magical about December 20. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Back then, it meant the start of classroom parties and school vacation and the long awaited (and single showing) of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Frosty the Snowman. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Afternoons started to turn dark before the bus finished dropping us off, and little homes with candles in the windows made every neighborhood look like villages in a snow globe. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">For me, December 20th starts a short stretch that is not about undone tasks on the real list, but stuff that you've been adding to the spirit list like this:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Thank someone for making a difference in your life. You know someone did.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Pick up a simple sugar cookie mix, make many of them, and only use green and red sprinkles.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Say something encouraging to a stranger who looks like they're making an effort.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Change the whole day of someone who is off, or down, or anxious with a heartfelt compliment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="color: #20124d;">If someone needs space, give it to them. If someone needs attention, give it to them. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">For me, in these last days, have-to's become hope-to's which eventually yield to want-to's as time, blessedly, runs out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">I was hoping to receive and wrap the balance of gifts I've ordered by now. I was hoping I'd find a new centerpiece for the Christmas Eve table. It would have been nice to replace some of the linen and towels before everyone arrives. I should buy new candles. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">But it is December 20th now and my "want to's" are here.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">H</span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">andwritten cards - meaningful ones - will be composed for best friends and others.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">There will be a date with my husband in a quiet place where we will likely have a conversation about life; how it changes, how it doesn't, and how it should, and what memories that we'll embrace in the future have yet to be made. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">There will be a reunion with our other-coast daughter who just got married and is bringing her new husband into our mix of festivities and traditions for the first time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">There will be meaningful conversation with another daughter and her husband about career dreams and marriage and life goals and raising children and other stuff that matters.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;">There may be attempts on the part of both of our sons to teach me about football again with diagrams on post-its of tiny figures and directional arrows. I will not understand them a week from now, but will add them to the others that I keep in a box near my bookcase.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">And as this day fades into tomorrow, marking exactly two years and one month since my father's death, I will focus on a memory I've gone back to a few times over the last four weeks.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">It was Dad's last Christmas Eve with us, his nineteenth. At the end of the night, he said the same thing he said every year. "This was the best one ever. I don't think you can top it, next year."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">In a few days, when Christmas is finally here and we raise a glass, I will think about that and offer a special toast to Dad, the best one ever. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">Happiest of holidays to you. Make them the best ever, </span><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">surrounded by people who know what they mean to you, because you've told them. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<br />
<div>
</div>
</div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-68993582853751801802019-12-12T08:12:00.002-05:002020-01-04T12:06:30.759-05:00An airport, a three hour delay and the loveliest parenting I've seen in a while.<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhB2tEwRip3QoXj_3M4MSxCQtAFQmCIUNc0VZOcLBbZIWqKdNLzLmcnu-tUThX9OY0dzi8na528bFnegALJ7I-KWoY1-5037a7BlpCXWj5s8BFvd2kOxXJLSbLdCa51qQtf4IVJXhy_MM/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhB2tEwRip3QoXj_3M4MSxCQtAFQmCIUNc0VZOcLBbZIWqKdNLzLmcnu-tUThX9OY0dzi8na528bFnegALJ7I-KWoY1-5037a7BlpCXWj5s8BFvd2kOxXJLSbLdCa51qQtf4IVJXhy_MM/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">That looks like a lantern, but it's actually<br /> the picture of of a young teen's parent</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><span style="mso-ignore: vglayout;"></span><!--[endif]--></span></a><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Recently, I got stuck at the airport waiting for a plane
which was being treated for mechanical failure, thank you very much. Hour by
hour, the flight was delayed into the later part of the day.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">I’m the only person I know who really doesn’t mind this kind of
wrinkle. I use the time to watch how people talk to each other, and handle the
unexpected. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">They say it is a test of character to be faced with tangled
Christmas lights, an unexpected rainy day, or lost luggage.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">I would add: knowing you may be boarding
an aircraft that is currently undergoing plane surgery, three hours late, with a small
child who<i> badly</i> needs the nap that was supposed to come with
that plane and now has no choice but to fall apart.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Any parent who is still soft-spoken and patient with a child
after all of that is a person who can probably handle anything.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">One mother took out her ponytail and asked her very little boy
to help her fix it. It took forever, and that mother is a genius.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">It is the way of a young child’s world to expect a parent to be
bigger and stronger when they are small and messy. And here is where
good parents understand their truest power – that responding with only the
strength of their presence may not feel like enough, but usually is.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">And while this stage may be exhausting, it doesn’t last forever.
In no time, they're in the middle-school tunnel and our role is no longer about
keeping them busy, but being the lantern hanging at the other end. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Note to parents of toddlers: there actually is something harder
than answering eight or nine questions a minute from your child when you’re tired,
and it is silence when you’re worried. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">I run a small support group with young children who are often
struggling to understand their family lives while they navigate their own.
Despite what hardship might challenge them, what I hear all the time is “My mom
said,” or “When I told my dad…” because bigger and stronger is in the eye
of the smaller and messier. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Bigger and stronger is about someone who respects their child's world,
even if they also must expose that child to a more complicated one they don’t
understand.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">If there can be only one thing that we do every moment of a
child’s life, it should be that - to think about their world as much as we
expect them to think about ours. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Later, when children are off the grid collecting themselves, will be when this matters most. Because, what helps keep kids upright is the known – not
hoped or wished or longed for, but <i>known – </i>presence of a person to whom they know they can say
anything, and around whom they can fall apart safely. They may know
all of this in silence but then, they'll say to someone like me, "Well, my dad said that I should..."</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Note to parents of teens who answer questions with facial
expressions: it’s still easier to be you.<u1:p></u1:p></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Putting aside the outliers for a moment – parents who are
abusive, living through their kids, narcissistic or addicted – it
becomes truer with every too-mature child I meet, that the best parents can
possess the least, and still give the most if they can do
that – separate those worlds, and visit the smaller messier one, often. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Maybe with a ponytail to fix together.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-71970415857502065182019-12-05T16:05:00.000-05:002019-12-06T07:48:13.053-05:00I'd rather be here now. Where is that again?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnWYEBq_YNI3lzhgNOveaoUdvtYzzOtx2EYlYu0Xe2BbWcHgyj89DPTkd7s9lGbTQOM0JiaRfIjrv-2ky0OXLQIB662KfDbFPnedvV313Av-eBXGvErZGc77_3EdGZD02iAgaNolOaHk/s1600/winter+blog+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="480" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnWYEBq_YNI3lzhgNOveaoUdvtYzzOtx2EYlYu0Xe2BbWcHgyj89DPTkd7s9lGbTQOM0JiaRfIjrv-2ky0OXLQIB662KfDbFPnedvV313Av-eBXGvErZGc77_3EdGZD02iAgaNolOaHk/s320/winter+blog+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Here is a nice here.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Before we had memes, we had bumper stickers. A
few years ago, while I was stuck in heavy traffic I saw one that said: </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><br />
<i style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></i>
<i style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">I'd rather be here now.</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">While our car-herd crawled along, I continued
to think about that. I was still thinking about it many years later. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">A few weeks ago, with the holidays looming,
you couldn’t turn around without bumping into reminders about living mindfully,
or, "here."</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'm a fan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">There is not a better lifelong habit than
being in the moment, even if it takes many of us half a life to figure out what
that means. Lived-in moments are what will teach you about <i>everything </i>–
you, your persons, things that are bigger than you, the truth of your life and
the depth of your love. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">It is a mystifying and sometimes maddening thing
about life that</span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 16px;"> many opposing things can be true at once. Y</span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">ou are where you are because you had or have reason to be, and
you </span><i style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">must </i><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">honor that. But if you’ve started looking out
the window a lot, you must honor that, too, because "here" evolves,
as it should.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">I am a believer in feeling answers, more than intellectualizing them; posing a
question to ourselves and feeling what our gut says. But the noise of everyday
- a thing that kills reflection - is hard to cancel. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
And so here is a suggestion that is worth considering if you are beginning to
feel <i>both </i>the thrill and fear of new "here" questions but
can't be still and quiet enough to feel your answers. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
It’s both simple and a bit painful, but it works and it is this: get up
early. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I mean it. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Some of you should get up <i>really </i>early.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the quiet, teach yourself to imagine the moment you're in one year from now, five years maybe, doing exactly what you are doing
right now, more or less, or something else. More of what? Less of what?
What else?</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
In the quiet, picture a route you took to get to what you wanted. Imagine
telling someone, "first, I..." and "then I..." First you
did what? Then, you did what? Start thinking about first-and-then.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
I did this right after I had newborns, when I felt like I was always trying to
hop a moving bus. I liked my life so much but I was not living in the “here” as
much as the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“later on and after that.” </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
They were always up before sunrise, and so, I started getting up before
before-sunrise. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
A day that hasn’t started yet is a gift. The pocket of time when not a soul
even knows you’re awake is yours for the taking. You belong to
nobody. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
Right now, some of you belong to <i>way </i>too many people, and not
necessarily the ones who matter most, like you and your loved persons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">If only for a half hour, belong only to yourself,
because first and foremost and until the end of time, you will. You will always
share yourself, give of yourself, but you will always be the one who knows you
best, and hopefully, believes in you most. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">If you are one of so many people who don't
take the breaks they know they need, I have three things to tell you. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
First, getting up early may be the only space you’ll get in your day to do the
“want to” thinking about your life vs. the “said I would” kind that makes it
all about finishing things, not beginning them. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Second, everybody wakes up with the
choice to visualize and actualize the days, or just get through them.
Because we are partners with our lives, not witnesses to it, our job is to
manage the "here" of it, each one of those days at a
time. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
And finally, if you are poised for change but are finding that answers won't
come right away, know that mindfulness is what walks you to the door of resolve.
Don't rush it. When the time comes, you will decide whether it's about changing or keeping the "here," but with new operating
instructions. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
Until then, get up early. It hurts for a minute, but it's free. Then, let your mind wander until your awareness of "here" begins to show you that changes in </span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">small things can change all
things.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-58601998497349229442019-11-28T07:12:00.001-05:002020-01-04T12:07:25.173-05:00It's Thanksgiving. Leave your politics in the driveway. They'll wait.<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Note: Three years ago, after Trump was elected, and after I'd been reading about the political divides that were infecting friendships, family relationships, and marriages, I worried for the first time about immunity. </i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Thanksgiving was coming, a day I have always cherished for its power to bring even far-flung, diverse family members together in a place of warmth, trust, love and gratitude, things that should always be more important than politics. </i></span></span><br />
<i><br /></i>
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I wrote the piece I've re-posted here, the third most popular of all I've written. Now, w</i></span></span><i style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">ith three years of back-story, it's more relevant than ever and so, here it is, on this newest, ever-cherished Thanksgiving day. </i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC9U0MNzRbKSsBOvYre9GtdXNh2crzAQh1u-TZxQks4HI8yTKgJPhblFtHCLR4gqjADikMoyORPAdkEEeawctnwoJTX0dD2fuzVT-WRi3fZhmcgRrJs5Aj3usuuB45Q3PGrPk1yONsNPw/s1600/IMG_20191127_154812583.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC9U0MNzRbKSsBOvYre9GtdXNh2crzAQh1u-TZxQks4HI8yTKgJPhblFtHCLR4gqjADikMoyORPAdkEEeawctnwoJTX0dD2fuzVT-WRi3fZhmcgRrJs5Aj3usuuB45Q3PGrPk1yONsNPw/s320/IMG_20191127_154812583.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Before we begin...</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></i>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #20124d;">It's Thanksgiving. Leave your politics in the driveway. They'll wait.</span></div>
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Near my computer I keep a doodle page. I decorate it with swirly designs when I'm in thoughtful conversation with someone on the phone. Other times, I write down true, clear things that come from nowhere.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">The other day, I wrote: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">"You can't write with reason and balance about a thing until your passion has been captured by the next thing."</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Since the election, I've been reading stories about relationships – some lifelong – that have ended, or will, over the way people voted two weeks ago. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">One couple moved their wedding to another country to make it financially out of reach for their family members. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">That sort of thing. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Those stories of broken relationships captured and saddened me for days. To imagine how friends or family who have known and loved each other <i>forever </i>could estrange over the election was beyond my powers of empathy or imagination.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">Today, it is Thanksgiving. My children are home. It is the next thing, and I am captured again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 14.6667px;">These days are precious to me. We are apart geographically, now, and often too immersed in our own daily lives to catch up. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">And I have missed them. I have been craving their company, their stories, their voices. I'll get those glimpses of how they've changed since we last gathered, I'll hear of other people they've encountered who changed them, maybe enlightened them.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">Our kids took serious interest in this election, and some of us were immensely disappointed over Hillary's loss. Reflexively, I tried to offer some explanation of why others might not have shared that choice. With one daughter's help, I realized that everyone deserves to own their disappointment, however sprawling and angry it gets, and for however long it takes for the next thing to capture them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">But we </span><i style="font-size: 14.6667px;">need</i><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;"> Thanksgiving. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> H</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">ad it been necessary, I would have extracted a promise from every individual to leave their politics in the driveway, because politics won't disappear or run away, while people will if they have to.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">I hope others can find a way to do this today. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Because rage will quell. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The craving to lash out will pass. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">And mostly, next things will continue to happen.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">Our lives will change, end, and begin.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Our elderly will leave us and our babies will arrive.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We will fall in love, and we will be claimed by illness.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">We will fall into stretches of terrible luck and we will shine with good fortune.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">We will drive into telephone poles, lose our homes, get fired, get arrested.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We will get fantastic job offers, become engaged, marry, divorce.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We will be joyous over bigger wins, and disappointed over bigger losses.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The longer we live and the more next things that happen to us, the more we will wish to be near the ones who have known and loved us from the start. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Won't we?</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">In my house, and in my world, the next thing is here. It's Thanksgiving today and my kids are home, where they will </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">forever be more important than anything – even politics – for a few precious days. </span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">Love to you all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;">I wish you glorious next things, and mostly, loved ones to share them with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 10pt;">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-16139550158835515742019-11-21T08:14:00.002-05:002019-12-11T11:39:59.099-05:00Today, praise a parent who is trying. <br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieD6isLtOJXgFEDrX472ZmIkDyhyoYZYS3N-NT3Ulj-xm6uoKoJjs6Km9LgHi8Tmg9d12cyI-8C1mx_VxS0r2C-zS-d489_mFVaWxvpBiOqisbJTTA9484OmeLOfPW25euT4xufZ0IdOQ/s1600/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="335" data-original-width="480" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieD6isLtOJXgFEDrX472ZmIkDyhyoYZYS3N-NT3Ulj-xm6uoKoJjs6Km9LgHi8Tmg9d12cyI-8C1mx_VxS0r2C-zS-d489_mFVaWxvpBiOqisbJTTA9484OmeLOfPW25euT4xufZ0IdOQ/s320/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">As a parent, I was never as challenged, relative to my experience, as I was when I was the at-home mother of four children under eight-years-old. No other period compares to the unknowns,
and twists and turns, and sudden joys and gifts of perspective of that one.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">However, as
chaotic as this dance with the universe may have felt, it
was greatly balanced by the illusion of control. I had everyone where I could
see them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some point, when you don’t
have them where you can see them, they begin their own dance with the universe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">From the smallest beautiful things – seeing my small son lost
in a book, singing on the swings with my daughter</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"> – to all the rest, </span><span style="color: #073763;">emergency room visits, boundary issues, worn out teachers, mean kids, and so on, my gift from the universe was the awareness that praise for handling everyday uncertainty wasn't what I needed as much as the everyday certainty that I would cope with whatever I had to. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">But
praise was nice, too.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">At
a local youth organization, I have just implemented an “empowerment” program
for little kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be
witnessing <i>their</i> introduction to the universe in real time. In
large and small ways, I will see them step into it every day, and witness the
good and not so good choices they make to get along. They are just learning
that there even <i>is </i>a universe beyond the driveway, so I feel privileged
to be a person who might help them stay upright. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">I
think about their parents thinking about them, out of sight like that. At the
end of my day at the club, I sometimes see them at pick-up, signing their kids out. Some
are cheerful and ready for their second shift of grocery stops, dinner and
homework help. </span></span><span style="color: #073763;">Some
look like they may be dealing with residual worry from the work day they’ve
just left, others look like they are hovering between patience and fatigue.
Some are solo parents, and some are guardians or grandparents. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Few look like
they expect someone to hand them a reward for their coping skills.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Yesterday,
I met with my new group – four ten-year-olds – to sign them up. They must have
crept into my heart through an open door while I was asking their names and
what kind of things make them worry, but smitten, I was.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">As
I was leaving, I saw a mother signing her child out who happened to be one of
my group kids. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">I
was headed her way, and I could have kept walking – it was cold and rainy and I
wanted to check texts in my warm car. But this mother, now quietly standing and
waiting for her daughter to appear, looked like she could use a bit of
unexpected praise. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">So,
I turned around and walked back. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">“Are
you (name)’s mother?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">She
looked startled, guarded. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">“Yes,”
she said, as if what I said next could go either way, a discipline thing,
or a behavioral observation. You don’t expect those things when children are
still asking you for juice and grapes, but out of sight, where they will make
their tiny choices, you begin to expect anything, from any direction.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">I
told her that I’d just met her daughter, and about the group she’s in. Her face
was still fixed in that startled position, so I said, “I just want you to know,
she is probably one of the sweetest, nicest and kindest kids I’ve met here. I was charmed."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">And
now the face changed. She gave a big relieved laugh and said, “Oh! Yeah! She’s
quite a pistol, yeah!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">“I’ve
noticed, that kids like that, who are so good with others, usually come from
some example of that. So, nice job," I
said. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">On the way home, I thought about the way she looked when I said that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When people don’t get, or stop expecting<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>rewards for things they are doing with all
their heart, but then <i>do</i> get a few words of praise, well, the look is like
one you’d get if you walked up to a child,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>handed them a cheerfully wrapped gift with a big bow and said, “Here.
This is for you because you work very hard and it’s something you really want.”
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">It
was a gift for both of us, from our friend, the universe. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Today, find a parent who is trying and tell them, "good job." They don't expect it, they don't need it, but it's something they really want, and they won't forget it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-35330003605216773792019-11-14T15:00:00.002-05:002019-11-14T15:00:31.666-05:00If you can't live happily in your moment, live happily in someone else's. <div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY0QgLC4EYYDaTbqMPvxZy5oyzlLKArwQ0VV2nagJLcgTjqB8PltbujVuk2ahyphenhyphen6YCMvqb-i2F29jcYVeBtCcWnYNlhwBxl-h8NEIeeD_Dzd9Z7IrHd05QOwXMf7HSvuWnoU8ef2wxctRA/s1600/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="335" data-original-width="480" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY0QgLC4EYYDaTbqMPvxZy5oyzlLKArwQ0VV2nagJLcgTjqB8PltbujVuk2ahyphenhyphen6YCMvqb-i2F29jcYVeBtCcWnYNlhwBxl-h8NEIeeD_Dzd9Z7IrHd05QOwXMf7HSvuWnoU8ef2wxctRA/s320/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">The
other day I saw a meme that urged us to be happy right now, in the moment
because life <i>is</i> the moment, and so on. A person was walking with flowers in her hand. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">My
first thought was that </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">if all it took to pivot and </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">be happy
right now </i><span style="font-size: 11pt;">was a meme's advice, why would we be any other way?</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> Nobody </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">doesn’t </i><span style="font-size: 11pt;">wish they were
happy and it's simple to suggest that it’s simple. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">And then I thought about it all day.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />People post things all the time that are
so obvious to some as to be banal, while others may find sweet perspective that they've been craving in that simple string of words, and</span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"> you know what I should do about that? </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Seize the opportunity to shut up, as my psychology professor advised us in child development.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">I take happiness seriously. Everyone should. And, the first thing to know about happiness is that it is not another word for mood.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">If you are inclined to be happy, it is a drive that steers you, day in and day out, toward bigger life outside of yourself where you can test your expectation that
good things will probably happen. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Happy
people tend to have that in common, an interest in the lives around them, even
if they themselves are recovering from a slip and fall on the here and now.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">Not-happy
people, on the other hand, just want everything they're doing to be done and
don't really notice or care about what other people do. They disagree and they take offense for the sake of it, like they didn’t
get invited to something they wouldn’t have gone to anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">I
thought about happiness a lot last week when a string of unrelated bad things happened
to different people in my community. Things from which I think I'd maybe not
recover, but know others will have to, who live in houses I can almost see from here.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">This
is the tails to the heads of the happiness coin. As lives outside of your own
can inspire and energize you, so will they depress and immobilize you from time
to time, and that is when you might need to go somewhere and see other lives that are happening as well, for balance.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">In our rural, socioeconomic mongrel of a town, we have a medium size supermarket that serves all of us, on every walk of life between the locals and the newcomers, the wealthy and the barely getting by, groomed professionals and raggedy ones, teens, the elderly, young parents with a lot of babies, young married people with "dogs for now."</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">There are always things worth looking at for a little longer than
usual at this place.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">It might be a group of wry, cool millennials making hilarious
observations about something, because millennials do this like the rest of us
walk around and breathe.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">It might see a clutch of very elderly people in the
parking lot laughing at each other's stories. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">Or
someone embracing his minimum wage job with cheer and pride.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;">Or a
worn-out parent, being further worn-out right in front of you by her worn-out
children but who still musters the patience to say calmly, “No, you can’t have
that, we already talked about it.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">You might see content older couples who listen
carefully to each other, or content young children who sing and can’t be still,
or content other people who study boxes of cereal like they're picking a paint
color for their house. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
write a lot about change – conceiving it, making it happen, and celebrating it.
But today, I’m thinking of happiness, and the joy of living in the moment as we are, <i>when we can. </i>And I'm thinking of other times, when we must live close to the lives of others, and accept the sweet perspective we've been craving when the moment hands it to you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;">If you're the happy type, that is.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-81293176957562407552019-11-07T15:01:00.002-05:002019-11-07T15:20:50.091-05:00When we encourage others but can't give ourselves a break<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGITT446hpSKjUlxhjWGi2-MgLD1TmU2iT8DZTJ9jHzZxRrCQkCwKw_pBSTdFwxXf2b1uxyIjlxWofJKkILcGPlJ108tQgd0ujQK3Yw2Q-Sm9GZs6_okEejvFCKH4WzFiq9IwPwBwEb_U/s1600/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: #073763;"><img border="0" data-original-height="335" data-original-width="480" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGITT446hpSKjUlxhjWGi2-MgLD1TmU2iT8DZTJ9jHzZxRrCQkCwKw_pBSTdFwxXf2b1uxyIjlxWofJKkILcGPlJ108tQgd0ujQK3Yw2Q-Sm9GZs6_okEejvFCKH4WzFiq9IwPwBwEb_U/s320/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">My
daughter, who teaches music to small children, bless her, said something the other day
that made me think very hard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">How can
we – especially educators and parents – express such faith in another person’s
potential, forgive their mistakes so easily, yet give ourselves so much grief
when we mess up?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It
spawned a discussion about how this habit can, over time, become so
automatic you may not know you’re doing it, and would not do it at all if you
knew what it does to your inside person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">We all
have them, inside people. They embody our purest wishes, hopes, strengths,
power, intelligence, humanity and talent. I have come to believe that w</span><span style="color: #073763;">hat
you understand in your bones about someone else is your connection to your own inside person. Whether you’ve struggled with, or
conquered, or still have to overcome, or make a decision about the same issue, connection to your own inside person through another can change your
life. </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I used
to feel stressed and anxious so often I stopped considering it unusual. It was
with me all the time – restlessness and uncertainty that I would have urged
anyone else to resolve as quickly as possible. The more I listened to others,
the more my bones felt it, and after a while, my inside person raised her
hand and said, "Um, over here."</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It took a long
time to realize that in writing especially, I was choosing the thought stream that created the feelings, which created the behavior in response: <i>I don't want to expose my true feelings about this. </i>The period of procrastination before I became a more authentic writer was long.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">However, where there is</span><span style="color: #073763;"> choice, there is the freedom to change. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">When
you understand that you're doing this, you can f</span><span style="color: #073763;">ocus
on identifying and disabling such self-rebukes. I compare it to catching an
arrow in the air before it can get in my head. S</span><span style="color: #073763;">omewhere
on this misty, wonderous path, I became good at arrow catching, being my own anxiety guard,
asking the arrows to please show me their I.D. and tell me the nature of their business. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">I don’t
know how often your inside people clash with what life tells you to do, but for many people, it
is problematic from the beginning. It not only can leave you conflicted between wish-I-could, and but-I-can't, it and can set up an inner clash between you and the idea that life is always bigger and smarter than you are. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">It’s
the quiet kid who is told (or forced) to be more social. It’s the exuberant kid
who is always told to chill. It’s the nervous kid who is told not to worry and
just be who they are, which is exactly what the nervous kid is afraid of being
at the moment. It’s the conflicted kid who needs to know, but isn’t
always taught, that at ages 12 thru 16, all feelings can be scary and weird and
okay <i>at the same time.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">Life,
with its rules and shoulds, and people who know better, and passive shaming
responses to our organic ideas and plans, will, in the beginning, overwhelm the
inside person. But later, maybe much later, after the inside person has shared its
notes with you about why you're perfectly fine and has shown you the proof -
look at your sweet friends, look at your capacity for love, look at your
extraordinary kindness – well, life will start being more agreeable.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Inside
people may not be ferocious, but they’re tenacious and patient. They wait. They
don't leave. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;">And it might take some of us longer than others, but when you do get close enough to see how much
that inside person looks, and actually is, exactly like you, be sure to notice
the pile of arrows at their feet that were once too fast for you to catch.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-78928567224823558832019-10-29T13:59:00.001-04:002019-10-29T14:18:25.610-04:00The little love story that made me cry in my pedicure.<br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">I
cried in my pedicure the other day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">My
pedicurist and I have known each other for probably a dozen visits. She is around
27, and her boyfriend, who has lived with her for a while, just turned thirty. I
know, because my pedicurist has been planning a surprise party for him since at
least ten visits ago.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">She
talks about him in our visits, what he does, the funny things he says, how
sweet he is, how kind, how he will
suddenly stop in the middle of a sentence to apologize for an insensitive remark. She loves him. He loves
her. They have two cats who publicly dislike each other but, according to my pedicurist, are </span></span><span style="color: #073763;">playful and affectionate in private </span><span style="color: #073763;">when she and her boyfriend spy on them.</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">That was the story she told that made me like her, and her boyfriend, very much. </span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">There
is a lot to love about love, especially young love when two people probably
have the least of what they will come to have, and yet feel they have everything
they need to live happily. Of course, like all of us, my pedicurist would
certainly like more of good things, but need? No, she has what she needs and it
is her boyfriend, and their wily cats. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">I
have seen a few young couples get married over the last year. Every time, it strikes me how the life side of things - </span></span><span style="color: #073763;"> </span><span style="color: #073763;">paying off loans, maybe looking for a house, settling into the first or second big jobs, establishing good credit and saving what they can, is dwarfed by the large-looming love side with all the giddy fun and laughter, easy joy and endless getting of Sunday morning breakfast.</span><br />
<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">For several months, I have been thinking about the simple beauty of a less-is-more
mindset, even if the couples I've seen getting married may not know they share such a thing. The happiest people I've seen this year, are the ones who ar</span></span><span style="color: #073763;">e firmly rooted in the pursuit of needs first, wants later. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">The
last two times I came in for my visit, unsure of the time frame, I asked my pedicurist if
she’d had the party for her boyfriend yet. “Nooooooo,” she dragged out the word. “But!” she said,
“I think I know what to give him!” She went off topic for a minute, getting her things together, asking me if I had picked a color, and then, when we were settled, she said, “I just wish his parents could be here. He’s bummed that they can't do it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">A
while back, his parents had moved out of the state to begin the next leg of
their life in another climate and he’d taken it “really hard,” she said. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">He’d
been a close kid, stopping on the way home from work, coming over for games, that
sort of thing. Apparently, he and the dad were close, but he and the mother were also good friends. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">“He’ll
be okay,” my pedicurist said, “he just misses them, that’s all. But he’ll be
okay,” she said. <o:p></o:p></span></span><span style="color: #073763;">“I’ve been telling him that."</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">The comment hung there for a moment. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Two
weeks ago, I went for my appointment and as soon as I sat down, she pulled out
her phone, “We did the party. I have a video!” she said, pulling it up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Her
cover was to bring him for a tour of a friend’s new house. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the video her boyfriend is shown being led
from empty room to empty room to check out the place. He’s making nice comments
about the house when they reach a closed door. He is asked to open the door and
when he does he finds his mother and father standing on the other side.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">You hear him, “Oh my GOD!!” and he wraps his arms around his mom and sobs, as does she, and as
does the dad, and as did I at the sight of them all reuniting. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">My pedicurist laughed very hard at this. “Oh my God, my boyfriend’s party made you CRY!
You’re such a mom!” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Less
really can be more when it comes to happiness; for many of us, needs
are simpler than wants, easier to meet, way less expensive, and, when met, produce happiness dividends for others. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">It's okay to get what you want. And you can see just how much that is, looking around at where and how you spend your time. That's fine. But, we need our loves, we need our attachments and we need our huge hugs when we reunite. </span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">Always. Always.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;">And
cats. Many of us need cats, too.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-60241696217254100612019-10-13T15:24:00.001-04:002019-10-13T15:43:51.086-04:00Moods that happen for no good reason at all<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihI3L3IDLSB2NtdgUD87iP64DPaPjsHElcIG8SbyZ5bU9j0zqxMi4LT61xe0QAXzlvcf9hiEmYESI1_BMU08sPGG87Ut3h8-164VJoeATzLUEacJuktEmn6kDn_xppDSpiaFTY5M00L2U/s1600/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="335" data-original-width="480" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihI3L3IDLSB2NtdgUD87iP64DPaPjsHElcIG8SbyZ5bU9j0zqxMi4LT61xe0QAXzlvcf9hiEmYESI1_BMU08sPGG87Ut3h8-164VJoeATzLUEacJuktEmn6kDn_xppDSpiaFTY5M00L2U/s320/fall+dahlias+and+still+life.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-small;">I have fallen in love with dahlias, and so I'm going <br />to just leave this here on the blog until it's time to show<br /> you my Christmas tree, if that's okay.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">First, I'm stealing this line that I overheard
someone say:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />"My partner says it stresses him out the way I empty the
dishwasher." </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">We know what she means; all that bang-crashy, clangy
noise from the other room sounds like anger, even if the person who is tossing and dropping things into place is humming while doing so. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
I'll come back to that.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
Last night, I talked with my newly married daughter about “let downs,” or, what
I call post-moods, those weird, low-energy valleys that can follow a major
event – two weeks after the holidays end, a month after the baby comes, three
weeks after a glorious wedding, etc.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">They happen of course, because the mental
energy that has been expended in ever-higher amounts as an event looms is
suddenly no longer required but shows up anyway, like a stray party
guest who is still there the next day and wonders where everyone went. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I experienced this in June, after I received
my degree. One Friday I was celebrating the completion of the last final that I
would ever take, awed by the prospect of graduation in only a few days.
The following Friday, I was rearranging things on my desk and spending a very
long time trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Eventually, my
post-mood passed, as they do when they are tied to something that makes sense
like a baby, a wedding or a degree.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">But what about moods and attitudes that feel
like post-moods but aren't tied to any good reason at all, or, the <i>what's
wrong with me </i>mood?</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">People will do anything not to deal with these sluggish mindsets. They will put on music, and dance.
They will go for a run. They will call a friend to go get a smoothie, or post
something on Facebook to jump start a positive, if fleeting connection to
something other than their thoughts. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I drive. If I’m balled up, stagnant, or not in
motion, I drive. I listen to music. Often I will add an overdue conversation
with a good friend to my mood salad and enjoy a shiny new attitude about
everything for a while. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Or not. Because sometimes, none of it works.
And when it doesn’t, I stop trying to change the mood, and think about </span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">how to </span><i style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">use </i><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Life is full of wisdom-moments that remind us
of what we know, and others that tell us what to do with what we know. They can
come and go too quickly to process on the spot, or <i>use, </i>for
what they bring. I believe that this is the purpose of no-good-reason moods – a way to
let those moments come back around. I liken them to unopened mail, there's stuff in there that you probably need to know. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">Before you dart away from such a state,
or <i>quickly </i>distract and switch to another rail, use the mood
for what it might be trying to give you. Let your mind wander the way it's supposed to when you meditate. Don't stop it or argue with it, just see what it comes back with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">You may be suddenly aware of something you
didn’t know before and now, will never not know in the future. </span></i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">It could be an answer to any of these
questions:</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">What do you want? What do you wish you were
doing? What do you wish you’d accomplished last week? What is a single focused
thing you could work on for just this one day that would, to paraphrase Anne Lamott, get
the birds all flying in the right direction for a little while?</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m dancing with my next novel again, which is
great but which will be horrible at times because completing a novel is a long
road with many, many exits leading to self-doubt, arguments for finding a
real job, and confrontations with your partner over how his dishwasher noise is
scaring your muse away.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
It will be finished, I know that now. I know that because once, in one those no-good-reason moods, I realized that I don't meet all the goals I say I
will, because even if I really want to, I'm truthfully unsure I can. You would agree if you
saw my goals. You'd feel nervous for me. They're too big. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;">In one of those sluggish moods, I understood
that as long as I could only settle for too-big goals, I'd do nothing at all to
avoid a feeling of failure. </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />And so, I kept the doable ones and made a choice to work on only one each day. They are my allies, these smaller goals. They sit on my desk in the morning and tell me that just for today, I should not post any cat cartoons on Facebook. I should do nothing at all until I give a character a trait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Two or three or four weeks after it’s
finished, and I’m in my “post-mood," I will gaze upon the forest of <i>what
now. </i>And </span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">then, I'll go in and find the path of things I still need to know forever. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12pt;">Forests are a lot like no-good-reason moods that way. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-38384176315744056812019-09-25T13:39:00.001-04:002019-09-25T13:39:42.315-04:00How love moves in<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj21XTB3ITHdWLxcfD2y6BEq4utgHGaNabPDLmH_twkJlAWzrs8Ewd5VHswBgf4zCuB0aPCb0JcoM6QjRnNeI5kXXj6iVCLe6sfowE8kZ1Jkv1LoLFi0R7LOAQlEQ-CLhRnI7GOZZKgDmw/s1600/Jacqueline+and+Matt+tie+the+knot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: #073763;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj21XTB3ITHdWLxcfD2y6BEq4utgHGaNabPDLmH_twkJlAWzrs8Ewd5VHswBgf4zCuB0aPCb0JcoM6QjRnNeI5kXXj6iVCLe6sfowE8kZ1Jkv1LoLFi0R7LOAQlEQ-CLhRnI7GOZZKgDmw/s400/Jacqueline+and+Matt+tie+the+knot.jpg" width="300" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">Jacqueline Bonifant and Matt Starkey<br />Married September 21, 2019</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i style="color: #073763;">I have been asked in the past to write about love
and marriage for weddings. It isn’t hard to do, I’m a fan of both. But last
year, after my daughter Jacqueline asked me to write for her and her wonderful fiancé,
Matt Starkey, I had no idea where to start.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i>Over the months, as I’ve observed these two people not plan, but design their wedding day, making every detail a reflection of their
collaboration – their love – it became apparent that the deeper the love, the
easier it is to observe but the harder it is to describe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i>One day I heard Jacqueline laugh over
the phone in a conversation with Matt, and I had it. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i>I gave the following reading at their wedding on September
21, 2019. Several people asked for a copy, and I thought sending them here might be the easiest way to follow through.<span style="text-align: center;"> Herewith:</span></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">How love
moves in</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Hello friends and family, it’s wonderful to see
you all here and wonderful to share a day that we once only hoped for. <b><i>Very
much.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">It wasn’t long after they met that I suspected Jacqueline
and Matt would decide to share a life together. It was just too hard to imagine
them looking at anyone else the way they looked at each other. I’m sure it was
for them too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">It’s a special look that I’m referring to, the one
that people get when fascination and preoccupation have blossomed into love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Love moved into the hearts of Jacqueline and Matt
gently, but with deliberate speed, and <i>intention</i> because where love
decides to drop its bags, is where love plans to stay forever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Today, I want to share some thoughts about that,
how love moves in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I don’t believe love arrives early, or that it
works alone. The way I see it, love has a whole staff that arrives ahead of
time to check things out. They are what I call <b>love lieutenants</b>, and
they have one job, which is to be sure that the best things two people are when
they’re alone will be the things they bring to each other, as they grow
together. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">And, <i>when </i>each has shown the greater desire
to grow toward each other than in an any other direction, and <i>when</i> each honors
the strengths that have made their nearness to each other possible, it is<i>
then</i> that love moves into those spacious hearts and makes them one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">And that’s when love begins to work from the
inside out. And that’s when the outside begins to look like Jacqueline and Matt
did that day at our breakfast table when I looked at him, and looked at her and
knew an altar was in our future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">A word or two about love…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Love is the most desired thing in the world, and probably
the most misunderstood because it is not a feeling or emotion. It is not happy
or sad. Love is the immensity of all the feelings one has for another and the
capacity to hold them all in the same place. And, so, love is 24/7, up or down,
rain or shine, hangry or silly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Love by some, is treated as a quest. But to search
for love which grows wide and high with cultivation is like looking for the
best friend you’ll ever have on the first day of first grade. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Love must be invited, but then allowed to reach us
at its own pace. It can not be chased and tackled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">Love is not elusive, but will defy our wish to
meet it if we are only willing to imitate the love we’ve seen between others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Love is resilient but love knows its limits. From
time to time it will allow itself to be exhausted. But you will not get away
with forgetting to feed it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">And finally, love is the result of all that good
lieutenant work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">I happen to know that Jacqueline and Matt were
screened by Lieutenants Trust, Respect and Humor, and today, it is the marriage
of those traits that have placed us here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">The result of trust:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">…knowing that your happiness means as much to your
love as their own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">…that when you set your fears or dreams or
disappointments or shy joys free, they will be as honored by your love as they
were by you when they lived in your heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">… that when your faith in yourself falls short, your
love will find you and hand you the part that fell out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">It is the result of respect:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">…the certainty that your love wants for you only
to be exactly as you are, with all your corners and curves and potholes and
lovely twists because that is the beautiful back road to joy that your love has
memorized.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">And it is the result of humor:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">A quick story…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">One time, Jacqueline was home in New England
before Christmas. It was time for her to place her call to Matt and I was in
the kitchen eavesdropping. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">She told a story, and he told a story, and she
laughed, and I think he laughed, and as I moved closer to hear better, I
realized. This was certainly a funny story they were sharing, but more than
that, this joyful sound came from the sense of <b>life-inspired</b> humor that
they share. They will just never run out of reasons to laugh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Today, as we celebrate this union of a funny
engineer and an artistic consultant, may we cherish that they share a language
that only they speak and understand<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">…and will build their lives around<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763;">…without even knowing they have been creating it from
day one<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-39538309479415673682019-08-18T08:17:00.000-04:002019-08-18T08:29:00.994-04:00I went looking for acts of kindness. I found this gem.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfxbCz9EuRcibVKrvYMdylfpLrg6elyBWw5ZC5JctHo16PaNGit5b1NEVjZ3Gt2qtDKHusK1suraaxoXpBF0IxWMKdWNVLDCgJhhBKVHHGETXMKxK-J-MIDq7b7cAt1kJyA8t71F1aSg/s1600/summer+flower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="480" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfxbCz9EuRcibVKrvYMdylfpLrg6elyBWw5ZC5JctHo16PaNGit5b1NEVjZ3Gt2qtDKHusK1suraaxoXpBF0IxWMKdWNVLDCgJhhBKVHHGETXMKxK-J-MIDq7b7cAt1kJyA8t71F1aSg/s320/summer+flower.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;">I mentioned that I would be keeping an eye out for acts of kindness. Well, here's one.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Two weeks ago, a man of about seventy struck up a conversation with an older man of about eighty-five in an eye doctor's waiting room. </span><br />
<div>
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<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span style="color: #073763;">He must have seemed to the younger man to be lonely and in want of
conversation, or maybe the younger man himself was. Maybe the older man looked
like someone the younger man loved, or missed.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I know this happens to many of us. When I see someone bagging groceries
who looks like one of my children when they were teenagers, I can’t help but mother-smile at them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> If </span>I see someone who looks like the brother I lost a few years ago, I sister-smile
at them, and enjoy the seconds when they consider whether or
not to smile back, but then do. Some offer a little wave with the smile. One guy saluted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The younger man in the waiting room started the
conversation by pointing at a headline and bemoaning the political climate that
has polarized even “some of my best friends,” as he put it. Citing younger years and earlier times, he recalled when "it wasn't like this."</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">The older man
listened politely, but didn't say much. But at some point, </span><span style="color: #073763;">the younger man must have
landed on a favorite memory or time in the older man's life, because now, he began to tell
stories of his own. A lot of them. A very large number of stories.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;">Fishing with his grandsons.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;">Hunting pheasant with his partner and dog, both gone now.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;">The childhood years when all the families vacationed together and "t</span><span style="color: #073763;">he kids" walked home from the lake at night, guided by porch lights.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">For nearly an hour he described his life and times, while the younger man encouraged him with questions ("So, what does your son do? Does he have children? What are they like?") </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Positive connections with strangers happen all the time in a normal world; you talk to people in line at the grocery store, or laugh with a stranger over something weird that you've both witnessed. You connect with another audience member before a show starts. You smile at young couples in a restaurant and they smile back. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;">For all the times that strangers have annoyed me - oblivious drivers, slow-walkers on sidewalks, space-takers in general - I am thinking lately of the ones who have made me laugh, or pause with respect, or taken me down a peg with just a look when I've been a jerk. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Strangers educate us, make us reflect, show us how we affect others, and how we can do better. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">My brother used to chat up strangers as if they’d grown up next door to each other and gone to school together. It could have been sports or politics, if something was on his mind, or made him happy, he assumed others felt the same way and</span><span style="color: #073763;"> </span><span style="color: #073763;">needed to share like he did.</span><span style="color: #073763;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">It might have been a little of him that I saw in the younger man’s behavior at the eye doctor’s.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I
stopped that man as he left the waiting room and told him that the conversation between him and the
older man had made my day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">“You mean just because I talked to him?” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">“No, because you listened to him,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">“I’m seventy-one,” he responded, “I like it when I
still get to hear stories from older folks.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">We laughed, and then more seriously, he said, “I
could tell from looking at him that he had a lot to say.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Later that afternoon, I turned<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>around in line at the grocery store and began to
unload the cart of an elderly woman in back of me who couldn’t reach the belt, or move easily around her cart.
"I'll do that for you," I said. She smiled and started handing me things. "Thank you," she said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">One day later in the week I saw a woman slow her pace to allow
her toddler to walk by her side, while they talked in the simple language they'd forged. I told her how much I loved
seeing people respect children that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you could have seen the look on her face before I said anything, and
the one immediately after, you would run right out, this minute, and find a
chaotic young parent to compliment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The times will try to tell us who we are, and how we've changed, and how our differences have proved that humanity has limits. If </span><span style="color: #073763;">we’re not careful, we
might believe the times and forget that it is always possible to </span><span style="color: #073763;">see ourselves or the people we love in people we've never met, but might like to know better. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">So, here's something to try: find someone who needs to be told they’re
doing something right, or could use a little praise or a sudden conversation, and then offer it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">And then, enjoy the effect it has on both of you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
</div>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-12710927266428687962019-08-09T08:49:00.002-04:002019-08-10T13:16:37.576-04:00The old man with the Trump sticker and me, at a light.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCofB4QQBdaMZ4J8Ct4tpssVb4p5dF5LFNNg7iwFTd73AOIXTR820CHUQOc4q60J9WvnE9Xzzr4KY-Jy3cJDaNx2KYG3gylNY5LvyhCtaCgQuJNwIA691d2CJ3vwPdhmtpCJ-4Eh-9xG0/s1600/summer+flower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="480" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCofB4QQBdaMZ4J8Ct4tpssVb4p5dF5LFNNg7iwFTd73AOIXTR820CHUQOc4q60J9WvnE9Xzzr4KY-Jy3cJDaNx2KYG3gylNY5LvyhCtaCgQuJNwIA691d2CJ3vwPdhmtpCJ-4Eh-9xG0/s320/summer+flower.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763;">I'm just going to use this graphic for</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;">the rest of the summer, okay?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In
2014, a frustrated young man wrote to </span><a href="https://www.villagevoice.com/2014/08/06/ask-andrew-w-k-my-dad-is-a-right-wing-asshole/?fbclid=IwAR3F6wEbiBb1tz-iW157h-0FcuKIX2TWlIlSmb49dCcSYmoGfEfEaMuxOvw"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Andrew
W.K of the <i>Village Voice</i></span></a><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> to
express how much he hated his father’s far-right political views and what they
were doing to destroy the world and everyone who cared about him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The</span> response, broader in scope than
perhaps the letter writer expected, included this statement:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">“The
world isn’t being destroyed by democrats or republicans, red or blue, liberal
or conservative, religious or atheist — the world is being destroyed by one
side believing the other side is destroying the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">I used
to think a fair fight between Trump critics and Trump supporters would not ever
be possible while one side, the civilized one, was using sticks to bat back the
craggy rocks being hurled by the other side, the barbaric one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Sooner
or later, everyone is just going to start hurling rocks.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">A few
weeks ago, I pulled up at a light next to a truck with a Trump sticker. The way
I don’t need to see an actual crime in progress to know I’m in a bad
neighborhood, I knew who was driving this truck before I lined up alongside him.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Mentally
closed probably, narrow minded, old, rigid, ignorant, frustrated. Probably
mourning the past when kids could play outside until the streetlights came on,
and mothers had pie ready for you after school, and men kept women in their
place, and in fact, everyone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">knew </i>their
place without trying to be in someone else’s. Like migrants. Like women. Like
members of the LBGTQ community. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">So, I
looked over at this person I’d never met, using a facial expression that I
believed would make my feelings about him clear. He looked at me and
reflexively smiled until he saw my expression. Then his face fell, and he
looked straight ahead.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">And
now, I looked at him more closely. I pegged him at mid-late eighties. He had a
dog, also elderly, on the seat next to him. His face was drawn and deeply lined
and the only word for his posture at the wheel was tired. Life-tired. Long,
hard life-tired. He wore a navy-blue work shirt and he was thin. He was probably
coming from his work place of other navy-blue shirts, and his dog was probably
looking forward to his dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Right? Before
Trump started trampling on our humanity, I would have left it there. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">But
think about what I did. I gave this very old man one of my most damning looks. Even
my God, who was watching, put down his drink and said, “Are you kidding me?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Others
of us may be doing exactly that right now. Using our faces and words to hate
Trump, or, anyone who <i>doesn’t</i> hate Trump. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">But <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">here’s the thing</span>. In that moment of
hate, when I became angry with this person I’d never met for not just sporting
a bumper sticker, but for <i>probably</i> being like Trump himself, I didn’t
like myself either. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Remember
my bottom line from last week’s post? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you’re doing something that makes you think less of yourself, it’s not the
right thing to do. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">So, while
I sat there feeling angry with this person I’d never met for choosing judges
who could strip women of their rights and small children of their parents, or the torturous warehousing of children at the border, or the failure to properly account for the death
of an American college student in North Korea, I didn’t like myself either. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And now, in </span><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">the
second that I was preparing to look away, he looked right at me again. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">My instinctive affection for the elderly trumped the Trumper and I smiled back.
And in response, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>maybe because I resemble
someone he likes, who knows, or because only small children continue to stare
blankly at you when you smile at them, his face softened and he smiled back. He
raised his hand in a “hello,” and gave me a short nod.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">I
nodded back, and the light changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">To me,
it is the worst casualty of our times to now see each other as stick carriers
and rock throwers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">The old
man in the truck had his reasons for voting Trump, and might also
have become horrified to see what Trump has done in only three years to “please
his base” which may include other elderly truck drivers with dogs who just want their dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">It</span></span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: 11pt;"> is a
choice people make now to accept or reject entire other people – friends, family
members, spouses – based on their politics. But generalizations are the
language of the lazy or ignorant, on both sides. Not all who loathe Trump are
civilized and humane and not all who support Trump attend rallies and froth at
the mouth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Some of
us are neither, and wonder if the stick carriers and rock throwers will destroy all of us. Some of us remember when you could express and defend your beliefs <i>and </i>enjoy<i> </i>the challenge of connecting with others who are nothing like we are.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">It was,
it is true, that on some way-down level, we are human beings, all at the same
light, all waiting to move forward with our work shirts and long days and tired
dogs who just want their dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: #073763;">Next
week: Tiny acts of kindness to try when your soul needs a pick me up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-64337271302727885042019-07-31T13:57:00.003-04:002019-08-10T07:04:47.809-04:00A memory of Dad, at just the right time<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmCIwAXAaePAOj0Ngq-83TO_uxbJN3z-ducKaH0TBq8Dbje-7fVIEsKiuD5LpHng73hQrtTtT-Pw2yUDA26FzGnGUSz_Fiy7rkYC5UVC15d5WxrA3hJcAaT7L4P1CYj_OPE84nqwlPaI/s1600/summer+flower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="480" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmCIwAXAaePAOj0Ngq-83TO_uxbJN3z-ducKaH0TBq8Dbje-7fVIEsKiuD5LpHng73hQrtTtT-Pw2yUDA26FzGnGUSz_Fiy7rkYC5UVC15d5WxrA3hJcAaT7L4P1CYj_OPE84nqwlPaI/s320/summer+flower.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="Style1CxSpFirst">
<span style="color: #073763;">I just want to read the news in the morning again without feeling like my entire psychological constitution is at risk. </span><span style="color: #073763;">My dad, who wondered how Trump could stand himself, would have responded to that observation with a slow, sad shake of his head. </span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">I’ll come
back to my dad in a minute.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle" style="tab-stops: 376.5pt;">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">First of all, this won’t be
a full-on Trump post, because discussions about Trump are no longer interesting. My appalled reactions to his speech, behaviors and attitudes are like everyone
else’s. We’ve all seen how Trump<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>leverages and gives voice to the darkest human feelings people can possess.
He’s been lampooned, mocked, called out, and decent people now know the worst
they once only feared. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">And yes, it’s
possible we’ll have him for four more years which is like being in an abusive
relationship and being told “I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to live with it
for four or five more years and then you’ll be free.” </span></span><br />
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">There is Just. So. Much. Hate. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">People will
say that the hate was here before Trump came and that’s true. We’ve always had
hate, like we’ve always had dogs who need to be kept fenced because if they’re
loose, they will damage someone badly whom they perceive as a threat. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">Self-control
and perspective and general evolution and progressive societal leanings and new
generational influences have helped us keep hate in check, or learn from it, or
at least know we should try for the greater good. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">But a while
back, Trump opened the gate to let those dangerous dogs run and now, if we try to put them back in the pen, Trump will just come back and remove the gate altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">Watching, or even reading about people who hate is like living in a climate you don’t
like but must find a way to deal with every day. It’s like Florida in August. You
have to be near the air conditioning if you’re going to remain civil.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">So, what
happens I wonder, to people when they are allowed, permitted, or even encouraged
to hate for so long? What happens to a person who is <i>exposed</i> to hate for
that long? What are we going to do with all this leftover hate in four or five
more years?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">I’ve been
lulled into seeing the sides of humanity that I don’t like, and I fear I’ll
become the frog in the water who doesn’t realize it’s dying from exposure to the slowly rising temperature. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">It’s during
times like these that I feel my dad’s absence most acutely. For years, we
traded observations over lunch of the general human condition, the comedy and
drama of it. Always, there was a spin, a take, a view that would lead to one of
the many laughs we shared. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">And so this morning,
I talked to my father as I often do when I miss him. I told him that I had been
feeling a little aimless on the writing side because my spirit has been
suffering from all that climate hate. I said I wasn’t really sure where I belonged
on the page but that I was feeling more drawn to the negative than the positive
and didn’t like the things I was believing about complete strangers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><span style="color: #073763;">And Dad said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk15467371;"><i>If a course
of action makes you feel like a person you don't like as much, change it. It's the wrong one. </i></span><i><o:p> </o:p></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">This, of
course, is also known as listening to the gut, something my dad did reflexively, and encouraged me to do from the beginning as well. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Starting today, I’m going to make an active effort to
find examples of anti-hate, or even better, love and kindness. It’s what makes
me the person I like most to write the stories of everyones and their everydays.</span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Next week: the man in the truck with the Trump
sticker, and me, at the light.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">I might not be able to leave my abuser for four or five
more years, but somewhere in this heat, there is air-conditioning and that’s
where I will be while it’s August in Florida.</span></div>
<div class="Style1CxSpLast">
<o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-84365271820515145542019-07-17T13:30:00.000-04:002019-07-29T13:48:24.016-04:00A little story about Jenny Ball<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span style="color: #073763;">There is a <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/07/17/this-towns-solution-loneliness-chat-bench/?utm_term=.e3b6843be1ee">story in the Post toda</a>y about a town in
London where some of the park benches have been designated as “chat benches,”
meaning that if you sit, you may be approached by a stranger in want of a “chat.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I loved reading this. Everyone gets lonely, and I believe the
elderly may suffer most and are least likely to do something about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">In the comments that followed the article was one
response that struck me, and it was from a woman who suggested we consider that
predators may now lay in wait for targets exactly like the ones being “lured” to the
benches. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Okay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I understand. There is danger around every corner.
You never know who’s on the phone. Telemarketers, as mentioned in the Post
story, prey on the elderly, and con persons in general will go to great lengths
for that money under the mattress. Look at the phony grandsons calling to ask
unsuspecting grandparents for money and <i>getting it</i>? And how are we
supposed to square this facilitating of stranger liasons with what we tell our
children about stranger danger? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Don’t forget, people. Kids watch our every move. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Quick story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">When I was very small, maybe six, I used to come
home from school, say hello to my mother and leave to roam our quiet, end-of-town
neighborhood looking for whoever was around, maybe playing with Barbies or
building a fort in their living room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">But I had another friend in the neighborhood. Her
name was Jenny Ball and she lived in a tiny house below the railroad tracks
surrounded by waist-high weeds. In my memory, she was about ninety, and “no bigger
than a minute,” as my mother would say, probably not over 5’2”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Jenny grew rhubarb, kept pigeons and was a
hoarder. While my mother took care of my infant brother and probably believed I
was across the street in Janey Woodman’s pink flowered bedroom putting tiny
rollers in a Barbie’s hair, I was sitting at Jenny Ball’s kitchen table, peering
at her between stacks of magazines while she told stories of all the husbands
and dogs she’d had who had died, and were buried, “right out there,” she’d say,
pointing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">“Right out there” was a patch of earth near the front door surrounded
by a tiny picket fence and dotted with little crosses. Her son, Junior, had
made them for her. Shortly after, he went to prison or died or both, I can’t remember,
and maybe Jenny made it all up and buried her own dogs, I don’t know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I was riveted by her stories. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">The pigeons, who lived in a closet off the kitchen,
cooed the entire time that she talked to me at her table. I got a few things in
about school, and my brothers and my cat but it was Jenny’s show. </span><span style="color: #073763;">She had a lot to say, and </span><span style="color: #073763;">I was her very young, slack-jawed-with-fascination
fan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">When it came time for me to go home, she would
say, “Now you wait here. I’m going to get my gun and watch you go up the hill,
so hobos don’t get you.” I’d wave and walk, turning periodically to be sure she
was still there, and of course she was, stooped with a bent arm over her head,
waving while keeping the other hand around the barrel of her shotgun. I could
see the row of horsey false teeth when she smiled, and the glint of her wire glasses.
“Bye Byye!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">I remember going home and telling my mother about
Jenny Ball’s gun, and I don’t remember her sitting me down, or the color
draining from her face, but there was a last time I saw Jenny Ball alone and I
think it was that day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Years later, I asked my father if he remembered
Jenny Ball and whether he did or not, I think for my benefit he said, “Oh sure,
I do!” When I told him the whole story and came to the shotgun part, his <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>eyes widened. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">“Jesus Christ,” he said. “She could have shot you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">To this day, I am grateful for those afternoons in
Jenny Ball’s kitchen. It may have been where I laid roots in the concept of
offering less that means more, or learned that lifelong connections can form around
words. Or, perhaps, it existed to supply one of the earliest and most lasting examples of kindness that would serve me when my own father became first ill, and then, “no
bigger than a minute,” and still needed a listener.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">But <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>however
it came about, or should or shouldn’t have, there we were, a very elderly lady and
a very young child finding happiness in each other’s company, in a cool, not
very well-lit kitchen, while the pigeons cooed, the stories flowed, and “right out
there,” her little colony of dog-friends rested below their tiny crosses. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Those "chat" benches? I'm a fan.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4209129785647063879.post-813430201954070232019-07-13T16:12:00.000-04:002019-07-31T10:26:00.511-04:00Own your history- even if you get mad at it sometimes.<span style="color: #073763;">Recently,
I connected with an old friend I haven’t seen since we were in our forties. We
would have stayed in touch, been closer, but we had teenagers, and generational
divides, and marriages and looks that were changing and relevance issues and we
were just too busy salvaging our identities to deal with friendship
maintenance.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Well, not
salvaging – that’s very dramatic – let’s say, “managing.” We were managing our
identities, which we agreed, had turned on us like mean girls. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">We had a
great time owning up to stuff we thought only we were going through at the time, and sharing
one truth that is only possible to admit after you’ve put your act together, which is: how we projected ourselves back then only somewhat resembled how we really saw ourselves, because the way we saw ourselves was so packed
with pass-fail messages from ourselves and others, it was a full-time job trying to
figure out which inner voice was in charge.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;">Not everyone feels this way of course, and very likely at-home mothers feel it more intensely while they both create and react to the climate at home and identity begins to wrap around that climate like parentheses. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">“Here’s
the thing,” she said, recalling passages – a parent’s death, empty nest, and
divorce. “Nothing that’s coming will be as hard as what I’ve been through. I
can’t wait to see what happens now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><i>I felt
that,</i> as the kids say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Reader, if
you’re in your late forties and any of this resonates, don’t lose track of people at this point. You will
need them when you go through this “second adolescence” as my new-old friend
called it, and you will definitely need them when you’re older to help you make
fun of yourself and the drama you created when you were younger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Like many people who have reached age not-forties, I have received the gift of clarity on a number of things. I know for instance, that there are few</span> transitions and life stages I've gone through that almost everyone
else doesn't go through which leaves me with a larger peer group than I
thought I had. I know too, that we can control how easy or difficult our lives will be once we understand the far reach of our unique history, and its influence over:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">How we choose to view everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">How we choose to perceive and react.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">How we choose not to react without thinking things through.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Choose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;"><i>Choose.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Try
something when you're by yourself. Think of things that are wrong. People doing things that worry you. A thing someone said. A thing you did. A thing that’s happened.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;">Now, force
yourself to think with the other hand. Using the words
of an entirely different, positive perspective think about every item on your list differently, even if it bends your mind to do it. If you have an issue with someone, force yourself to look at it entirely
from their point of view.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;"><i>See </i>that
point of view. Keep thinking about it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Do this as often as you can, until it's a habit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">All of us,
I am understanding, come into our stages and transitions dragging bags and bags
of what our histories have taught us. They are filled with joyful discoveries,
exhilarating triumphs, first loves, shocking revelations, memories of people
who loved us and made us feel strong and safe, and memories of abusive or cruel
people who screwed us out of better self-esteem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">It is often not
the random events, or things people do or say, but rather the way history tells us how to interpret them that informs our every behavior, and in
turn our every relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">That is
good news, because the work of writing out your auto-responses will allow you to
see through whose eyes exactly, you are viewing your life and it might not be
your own. It might be someone who makes you aware of your shortcomings, or
people who have messed up their own lives and would like you to feel as badly about
yours. We internalize all kinds of people, the ones we love and the ones we've tried to love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">The
history that leads to the way you view and decide to tweak your life can be a
hard thing to face, but here’s something else I learned after I was age not-forties anymore:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Time makes
us stronger, but mostly time conditions us to face our
histories. And if you don’t believe your history has helped or hurt you more
than any other influence in life, think of the thing you would like most
to hear about yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Now ask,
where, if, and from whom you’ve heard that thing before. If things are good, you heard it more than once from someone you love and who loves you, or will when you tell them you need those words in your heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">Listen to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763; mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;">I didn’t
go through my forties and fifties for nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk13917853;"></span>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
Susan Bonifanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05889354888091500881noreply@blogger.com2