I start school today.
In ten months, I'll have a degree in Psychology.
But right now, I am uncomfortable.
More than what I'll learn, I'm looking forward to handling myself better when I encounter what I don't know; things like linking to the university network, using unfamiliar software to take notes, even where and what I'll eat during the day make me low-level panicky.
I'm looking forward to allowing things to remain undone until I can get to them. My essay didn't go out. My birthday letter for my son isn't done. I haven't planned and shopped for this week's meals. I haven't changed my closet over or paid the bills early like I planned to.
I'm practicing focused and delayed thinking. I have one job today and it is to dress, charge my devices, enter my destination on my GPS, find the building, find my seat and just observe what is happening. There isn't a thing I have to actually do, other than that.
I am not unprepared.
I am not over my head.
I am not wrong to think I can do this.
My life will change for the better, starting today.
But right now, I am uncomfortable, because my life will change at all.
If something comes up, if something wasn't done, I won't freak out. I'll make a note, and I'll make a plan to take time and address it.
There is incredible joy in pausing from time to time to realize: I'm where I wished I could go.
There is relief to remember that before I reached any major goal, I was uncomfortable.
If I don't feel comfortable yet, I know how it will feel when I am.
Like I have done before, I will imagine the next person I would like to be until I am that person. So far, I'm good with me. I'm a person I think I'd want to know if I met me. I'd want to be my friend and I would look forward to seeing me. I'd like my humor and reason. I'd ask me questions if I had a problem.
I ask myself, like I used to ask my kids, "what would make you feel more comfortable right now?" And, the answer is always, "knowing what's coming." But I think today, I will try to be comfortable knowing that whatever is coming, I can handle it.
I wanted to write this for me. But then, I wanted to write it for people I love.
Because, really, what is loving people about if it isn't to be honest with them about moments when you feel least at ease, knowing they may be more likely to share their own with you, when they need to.
I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I know, if I am lucky enough to be loved by you, that you already do.