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| Got dreams? You'll need this |
In honor of all those athletes who will realize their long term goal of running in Monday's Boston Marathon, it seems
fitting to write today about "grit".
And quitting.
About a year ago, Angela Lee
Duckworth, a management consultant-turned educator-turned -University of
Pennsylvania psychologist gave a Ted
Talk about the concept of "grit". It is here.
In her presentation, Dr.
Duckworth talked about successful kids and the usual correlates: talent, upbringing, socioeconomic station, etc. Her conclusion: even more than
intelligence, a significant predictor
of success is "grit": The tenacity of motivated people to pursue a
long term goal without quitting.
This month, an essay writtenby Alfie Kohn, author of "The Myth of the Spoiled Child" has been appearing in
different publications. In his argument, he debunks and characterizes the concept of "grit" as a
trendy, wrongly accepted link to success, one he fears will turn parents into task
masters and their children into frustrated, disappointed worker bees trying in
vain to meet impossible goals.
Here is an excerpt:
"The problems with grit... To begin with, not
everything is worth doing, let alone doing for extended periods, and not
everyone who works hard is pursuing something worthwhile. On closer inspection,
the concept of grit turns out to be dubious, as does the evidence cited to
support it. Persistence can actually backfire and distract from more important
goals."
I have a problem with all of
this massive point-missing.
For detractors to confuse "grit", which
deals with the dreams of passionate people, with "persistence" which
deals with the habits of productive people, is to confuse dreams with plans,
skills with gifts, effort with drive, and all the other things that separate tenacious
super-achievers from hard-working drones.
And for proponents to treat
the notion of grit as a "discovery", a link to success, something to incorporate
into our psycho-speak and foster in the classroom as teachable behaviors, is as much a failure to "get" grit and understand its role
in the work of very successful people.
First, while many possess
strong work ethic, grit is rare. Really, how many thirty-year-old millionaires
do most of us have over for dinner? Thirty-year-old millionaires are too busy
to eat dinner.
Second, it isn't a single
behavior like time-management or careful note-taking. It co-exists with passion, the way dreams
co-exist with imagination.
Third, it can't be taught any
more than confidence can be taught. You can't
go buy it or find a grit expert to talk to the class. You've got grit if you've
got other things first, like vision and scary-competitive
drive.
Fourth, where it is present,
it is involuntary. Grit is as willful in a dream-maker as breathing, and it's foolish to treat this as something that we should, or even can, dial up or down in another person.
And this brings me to the
title of my post: When to tell someone to quit a dream?
Where there is grit, there is passion. To urge someone away from "gritty"
behavior because a passion in our view is "not worthwhile" or, so
that they can "pursue other opportunities" is to dishonor that
passion. And however gently we do it, to suggest that someone give up on their
passion is like asking them to live without a digit, to accept a lifelong
feeling of having left something unfinished.
To live with "might
have".
What an insult to people who,
fueled by their own spirit, spend years creeping toward a goal, all while developing the patience and
pace and maturity to know it may not - but
may - happen at once.
The person who is advised to
quit, who quits out of frustration, who must quit out of necessity may live free of those spiritual muscle
cramps that come with journeying toward a long term goal, but dreams die slowly.
When it's all over, we only trade those cramps for a limp. I did this. Frustrated
over my sluggish success as a published writer, I stopped writing a while back
to "pursue other opportunities" and I died a little every day.
When I was able to return to
writing full-time, I started publishing like nobody's business.
To be sure, mindful parents
should realize when a child is spinning their wheels in pursuit of a goal that
will never be met - crappy baseball players will not grow up and play for the
Red Sox. Sometimes there really are
opportunity costs and good parents can and should help their kids identify their
particular joys and talents.
And yes, anyone with a near-impossible dream should
have their own plan B, a way to support themselves, an order of priorities that
enables them to live independently and not drag dependents if there are any,
through a life of skeletal expenses and late notices.
We once joked - sort of -
about putting all of our kids through bartending school so that they could
always pay the rent, dress for the weather and keep their lights on while they
went after- or didn't - the thing they had to do with their particular talents
and spirit.
Like love, a passionate
pursuit doesn't always give back right away. But to be blind to the difference
between plans and dreams, to ever nudge someone away from pursuing a passion, is on par with asking why they would bother with love at all - when they could spend their
time and energy on something "more worthwhile".
When to tell a child, a friend, a spouse or anyone to quit a dream?
Never.
