You don't have to have lunch with Shirley

Here is a lion who does
not want to have
lunch with Shirley anymore.

My mother  told me a story once about her friend Mary, who decided in middle-age to no longer be around people who were a bummer. Period. The end. Starting now. 

Shirley, another woman in their circle who was negative, and self-absorbed and needy was the first casualty.

"I'm past fifty," Mary said to my mother. "I don't have to have lunch with Shirley anymore."

This happens a lot to fifty-somethings. 

They don't just wean themselves off negative relationships or pleaser behavior. They figure it out in the night and the next day, they look in the mirror and say, "That's it. We're not doing that anymore."

Figuring it out never ends. Boomers, Millennials, small children, and the elderly all have that in common.

At age never-mind, I'm understanding the things we learn after we know them; things we have to practice for a long time before they become as natural as walking across the room.  

As a recovered pleaser, I can tell you that one of those things is the concept of choice. Choice is worth talking about because it often hurts before it rewards you with self-respect which, we all know, is delicious.  

It takes a while to become good at it because even bad choices can make sense before they don't. 

We choose to be silent when we should talk, to keep the peace.

We choose to talk when we should be quiet, to keep someone's attention.

We choose to dismiss someone's behavior rather than call them on it, to avoid conflict.

We choose to over-compromise because "assertive" feels like "selfish."

We choose to stay where we know we don't belong because, change.

We walk past our crooked paintings of vague dissatisfaction when we should be stopping to straighten them. But in every situation, even the ones that lied to you, we still choose how to deal.   

Here is what you learn when you become age never-mind:

You can choose to stop neglecting your needs to make others comfortable
...and people who have taken advantage of you will think more of you, not less. 

You can say, "I just don't agree,"
... and people who value independent thinking will respect you more, not less.

You can say, "I'd really rather not,"
...and people who don't like being squeezed or manipulated will like you more, not less.

You can say, "That's not something I'm comfortable talking about,"
...and people who value privacy will honor yours more, not less.

You can say, "When you (use that tone/mock/tease/are sarcastic)  it hurts my feelings," 
...and people who care about you will not ask you to change your feelings, but will fix their behavior.

You can say,  "I love spending time with you," 
...and even if people don't know what to say, they will feel the right thing.

You can say, "You mean the world to me,"
...and some people will be awkward and turn red, but they will have a little joy where there was just happy a minute ago.

And you can say, "I need to be alone for a while,"
...and some people may wish that wasn't true, but will give it to you easily, because they love you more than they need you at the moment. 

You have a choice.

State your needs. 

Don't apologize.

Do it now. Period, the end. Starting today. 

You don't have to have lunch with Shirley anymore.