Life's thank you card

Every late spring-early summer, after the trees leaf, I try to go out in the morning and catch the day as it blooms. I watch the sun blink through the leaves like tiny headlights,  I smell the lilacs, and hear the black capped chickadees. 

I start to think about eating outdoors, and putting the top down on my car and changing my closet over and getting a tan. I get giddy about making plans, and seeing friends and watching nine o'clock sunsets. I can only describe it as a feeling of possibility that comes with this luxurious treat for the senses.

In those moments, I remember that a year ago was just like this, as was the year before that. And the year before that.

It is hard to remember ever wishing such a beautiful thing away because you were eager for what was coming next. 

It reminds me of being five or six, and knowing that when those pumpkin cut outs went up on the window, never mind Halloween, Christmas was coming. 

But there it is, life's thank you card for appreciating it:

Dear person, 

Allow me to present this perfect spring-summer day with my thanks in advance for being in the moment enough to see it as if for the first time. 

May I encourage you to remain firmly enough in the moment to believe everything you feel because everything you feel is coming from everything you see and hear before you? 

And, may I invite you to remember that when it rains, when the leaves fall and when the snow flies and the temperature drops, you should not blame me, but seek the shelter of your own strength, and trust that I will always send you the days of hope that will sustain you. I promise, they will look exactly like this one. 

Year after year. 

Love, 

Your friend, 

Life.

Fear is not information. Unless it's April.

 April always seems to 
come with one of these.

Every April, about a month before my birthday, I have what I like to call "birthday anxiety," but what my doctor prefers to call "health anxiety."

Fine.

Health anxiety is the little mind troll that tells you, despite hard evidence to the contrary, that you're actually at death's door. It's job is to take your attention away from other problems that are harder to address.

The good thing about health anxiety is that eventually, you'll be assured that you're fine and can now attack that pile of issues you left lying on the floor like unfolded laundry.

How I handle April health anxiety:

Start the month with mixed feelings about my birthday next month.
Experience a symptom.
Feel confident that I've never experienced it before.
Ever.
Experience the symptom more than once.

Google the symptom with a question like, "what does sharp pain in my calf mean?" 
Feel relieved that I only typed "what does sharp" before the search box filled in the rest which means other people wonder too.

Skim past usual causes in order to dwell on the outer possibilities: tumor, blood clot, impending heart attack, failure of some other major organ, or soft mass of something bad.

Look for suggested home cures like ice and Advil. 

Learn that home cures are not suggested.

Read suggestion to "see a doctor as soon as possible" to rule out a serious illness.

Decide which serious illness it probably is.

Consider who should know first about my serious illness. 

Decide to tell Larry, maybe friends, but hold off on kids and siblings.

Google again but with a friendlier question, like, "why does my leg hurt?"

Explain illness to Larry who suggests I call our family physician, Dr. Milligan.

Think about calling Dr. Milligan for two days and get anxious.

Call Dr. Milligan. Find out he's on vacation for a couple of days.
Opt to wait for him even though google suggests immediate attention.
Begin to wonder  how Dr. Milligan will tell me the bad news.
Think about that for two days and feel sad for both of us.

Sit in the examination room in a gown waiting for the nurse.
Learn from the nurse that my blood pressure is "alarmingly high."
Start crying when Dr. Milligan comes into the room because, now, on top of everything else, I have a blood pressure issue.
Tell him what I learned on google.
Find out from Dr. Milligan that I don't qualify for any of the google results. At all.

Agree with Dr. Milligan that Google is not a doctor.

Talk about what else is going on in my life, which is much.

Talk about mortality and losing my dad and watch Dr. Milligan squint while he connects the dots.

Consider pointing out to Dr. Milligan that he has incorrectly used the term "health anxiety" when he meant to say "birthday anxiety."

Consider instead, that they may be the same thing. 

Have an ultrasound which is negative.
Go home with instructions to ice and elevate and take Advil, and also monitor my blood pressure because it was "alarmingly high" during my visit.

Agree to see an orthopedic person if it doesn't improve.

Monitor blood pressure and get normal results twice a day for six days.
Think about googling "health anxiety" but decide against it.

Plan a special getaway for my birthday.
Pledge silently to look at life in a grateful way for the next eleven months.
Realize that the best things I've learned came after the hardest things I've been through.
Look to the sky and tell my dad I miss him.
Wait.
Wait some more.Finally receive a response from the clouds that says:

For people like you and me fear is bigger than the things we actually have to deal with.

Know that I will remember that, and not just in April.

The end.

I have a week to go until my birthday.

The signs are that I'll make it.