Friday, May 4, 2018

Fear is not information. Unless it's April.

 April always seems to 
come with one of these.

Every April, about a month before my birthday, I have what I like to call "birthday anxiety," but what my doctor prefers to call "health anxiety."

Fine.

Health anxiety is the little mind troll that tells you, despite hard evidence to the contrary, that you're actually at death's door. It's job is to take your attention away from other problems that are harder to address.

The good thing about health anxiety is that eventually, you'll be assured that you're fine and can now attack that pile of issues you left lying on the floor like unfolded laundry.

How I handle April health anxiety:

Start the month with mixed feelings about my birthday next month.
Experience a symptom.
Feel confident that I've never experienced it before.
Ever.
Experience the symptom more than once.

Google the symptom with a question like, "what does sharp pain in my calf mean?" 
Feel relieved that I only typed "what does sharp" before the search box filled in the rest which means other people wonder too.

Skim past usual causes in order to dwell on the outer possibilities: tumor, blood clot, impending heart attack, failure of some other major organ, or soft mass of something bad.

Look for suggested home cures like ice and Advil. 
Learn that home cures are not suggested.
Read suggestion to "see a doctor as soon as possible" to rule out a serious illness.

Decide which serious illness it probably is.

Consider who should know first about my serious illness. 
Decide to tell Larry, maybe friends, but hold off on kids and siblings.

Google again but with a friendlier question, like, "why does my leg hurt?"

Explain illness to Larry who suggests I call our family physician, Dr. Milligan.

Think about calling Dr. Milligan for two days and get anxious.

Call Dr. Milligan. Find out he's on vacation for a couple of days.
Opt to wait for him even though google suggests immediate attention.
Begin to wonder  how Dr. Milligan will tell me the bad news.
Think about that for two days and feel sad for both of us.

Sit in the examination room in a gown waiting for the nurse.
Learn from the nurse that my blood pressure is "alarmingly high."
Start crying when Dr. Milligan comes into the room because, now, on top of everything else, I have a blood pressure issue.
Tell him what I learned on google.
Find out from Dr. Milligan that I don't qualify for any of the google results. At all.

Agree with Dr. Milligan that Google is not a doctor.

Talk about what else is going on in my life, which is much.
Talk about mortality and losing my dad and watch Dr. Milligan squint while he connects the dots.
Consider pointing out to Dr. Milligan that he has incorrectly used the term "health anxiety" when he meant to say "birthday anxiety."
Consider instead, that they may be the same thing. 

Have an ultrasound which is negative.
Go home with instructions to ice and elevate and take Advil, and also monitor my blood pressure because it was "alarmingly high" during my visit.
Agree to see an orthopedic person if it doesn't improve.

Monitor blood pressure and get normal results twice a day for six days.
Think about googling "health anxiety" but decide against it.

Plan a special getaway for my birthday.
Pledge silently to look at life in a grateful way for the next eleven months.
Realize that the best things I've learned came after the hardest things I've been through.
Look to the sky and tell my dad I miss him.
Wait.
Wait some more.Finally receive a response from the clouds that says:

For people like you and me fear is bigger than the things we actually have to deal with.

Know that I will remember that, and not just in April.

The end.

I have a week to go until my birthday.
The signs are that I'll make it.


9 comments:

  1. I am laughing right out loud: "...Google is not a doctor." Dr. Milligan is a hero.

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  2. "Realize that the best things I've learned came after the hardest things I've been through." So true. I needed that reminder.
    I also love the image of you looking up to the sky and telling your father you miss him. By the way, you get to call that anxiety thing whatever you darn well please!

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    1. Julie Jo, thank you, I will label my anxiety with pride.

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  3. Next year your Doc will tell you"WEB MD is not really a MD". Know it alls! Happy preBirthday!

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  4. This happens to me as well, but after 10 breast cancer surgeries, 8 rounds of chemo and the death of my husband, I usually decide it's nothing... which to date it has been... and cuddle up with my dogs. The other thing I do is listen to Guided Imagery audios by Belleruth Naperstek, the founder of GI... She's lowered my blood pressure more than any other thing I do. I know how you feel. Brenda

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  5. I'm sorry to hear what you went through, it must have taken all your strength to keep perspective and faith in those times. I also appreciate the guided imagery suggestion. It is one of those things I would like to know more about first hand. Thanks for visiting, Brenda

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  6. I'm having some anxiety today about my husband and what he's going through. And certainly as we age we have more birthday anxiety. If only we could pare down happy moments and remember them more profoundly than we do the scary ones. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Great post.

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    1. Hi Beth, you're right. I particularly resent anxiety because it looks for people who are basically okay and says, "Actually..." It helps me to remember the event of anxiety more than the content, and know that like a demanding child, it eventually gets bored and goes away.

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