It's
showtime.
I start
school today.
In ten
months, I'll have a degree in Psychology.
But
right now, I am uncomfortable.
More
than what I'll learn, I'm looking forward to handling myself better when I
encounter what I don't know; things like linking to the university network,
using unfamiliar software to take notes, even where and what I'll eat during the day make
me low-level panicky.
I'm
looking forward to allowing things to remain undone until I can get to them. My
essay didn't go out. My birthday letter for my son isn't done. I haven't
planned and shopped for this week's meals. I haven't changed my closet over or
paid the bills early like I planned to.
I'm
practicing focused and delayed thinking. I have one job today and it is to dress, charge
my devices, enter my destination on my
GPS, find the building, find my seat and
just observe what is happening. There isn't a thing I have to actually do, other than that.
I am
not unprepared.
I am
not over my head.
I am
not wrong to think I can do this.
My life will change for the better, starting today.
But right now, I am uncomfortable,
because my life will change at all.
If
something comes up, if something wasn't done, I won't freak out. I'll make a
note, and I'll make a plan to take time and address it.
There
is incredible joy in pausing from time to time to realize: I'm where I wished I
could go.
There is relief to remember that before I reached any major goal, I was uncomfortable.
If I
don't feel comfortable yet, I know how it will feel when I am.
And so.
Like I have done before, I will imagine the next person I would like to be until I am that person. So far, I'm good with me. I'm a
person I think I'd want to know if I met me. I'd want to be my friend and I would look
forward to seeing me. I'd like my humor and reason. I'd ask me questions if I
had a problem.
I ask
myself, like I used to ask my kids, "what would make you feel more
comfortable right now?" And, the answer is always, "knowing what's
coming." But I think today, I will try to be comfortable knowing that whatever
is coming, I can handle it.
I wanted
to write this for me. But then, I wanted to write it for people I love.
Because, really, what is loving people about if it isn't to be honest with them about moments when you
feel least at ease, knowing they may be more likely to share their own with you, when they need to.
I'd ask
you to wish me luck, but I know, if I am lucky enough to be loved by you, that you already do.
I hope your first day is better than you could even hope!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! So really excited even with first day jitters.
DeleteYou will be fine and, eventually, comfortable. But I can sympathize with how uncomfortable change can be.
ReplyDeleteYou are right!The first day was fantastic. Onward!!
ReplyDeleteSusan, I've been following your blog for several years, and have learned so much (and felt so much) from the reflections and insights you share. As someone whose great joy and privilege has been teaching psychology to undergraduate and graduate students, and learning right along with them, I assure you that this is a major and wonderful step you're taking. You will *love* learning about psychology! It will bring you delight and wonder! You'll know more and more about the things that matter to you! Don't be afraid. Do take care to eat properly during your days at school. I wish you all the very best.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, both for following, and for the encouragement! It was so easy to fall back in yesterday, I was just SO happy about that.
ReplyDeleteEverything changes after you start seeing those unknowns up close.
I, too, am so very uncomfortable right now, and your words gave me so much comfort. I will be comfortable again, just like you. Thank you so much for your kind, loving words to yourself, and to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good "self talk". I have always thought that what we cannot control from where we are should be put in a drawer until we are. Loved this.
ReplyDeleteb+